For several months now, Baby Girl has called us "Mommy and Daddy." We have become accustomed to this, and it was rather expected, as she is younger than Little Man...and desperately needs the love of her Mommy and Daddy...whether biological or current.
Little Man, however, has only called us Dayna and Jeremy, though he would occasionally call me "Mom" if he emailed me from school. Monday, I was sick with a high fever and just felt miserable. Little Man, for whatever reason chose that day to start calling me "Mommy" and Jeremy "Daddy." It's so strange to hear it out of his mouth. I honestly never thought I would...and I was honestly okay with that.
The next day, we had a visit with their mom, and it was Little Man's birthday. I figured he would go back to calling me Dayna very quickly, and that would be okay, too. All I want is to be a GOOD, PURE, WHOLESOME mother figure to these kids God has placed in our lives. I want them to know safety and love in my arms and in my home (don't get me wrong...J and I have screwed it up plenty of times; we've argued in front of them; we've raises our voices at them...we've been too harsh over the "little" things, and we've probably overlooked some of the "big" things. We're a work in progress, though, and we keep plugging away.) As long as they have the safety and love, I don't care what they call me.
I was wrong. He's never gone back. I'm Mommy all the time now. Jeremy is Daddy all the time now. I must admit, it's harder to say no sometimes, when is little voice and caramel brown eyes are pleading "Mommyyyyyyyy" instead of "Dayyyynnnnnaaaa."
This morning, I made pancakes, eggs, and sausage for brunch. As we sat down to the table with our food, the kids raised their glasses of applease juice and said, "A toast! To the best Mommy in the entire world!" It took me a minute to realize...they were toasting ME...really and truly, AND THEY MEANT IT. I choked back tears, as I ate my food and watched my children laugh and joke and eat. I watched my son eat a pancake, one of his least favorite foods , just because..."I know it makes you happy when I eat everything, Mommy, even if it's just a small bite of something." I watched my daughter beg for thirds, because she loves pancakes and what would it hurt to eat Bubby's extra one? Eating my food...and bragging on it...is just one of the ways they try to show me how much they love me. It sounds so simple, but it means more than you can imagine to see their eyes light up as they compliment whatever meal I've made.
This is that double-edged sword. I've mentioned it before, but today it is piercing extra hard. I love my children. I can't remember life before them, and I can't imagine life without them. My heart swells with pride, and melts in the same moment, when they call me "Mommy," or when I see them reach for "Daddy." My most honored moment was when they toasted the "best Mommy in the entire world!" I will never forget that. However, every moment I cherish...every moment they honor me...that's a moment someone else is missing out on. I can't imagine being her. I don't want to replace her for my children, and we often talk of their other Mommy. We pray for her, and we ask God for what's best in their life. So, the double-edged joy and heartache is that for each moment my heart swells with pride, it is also racked by guilt, because I feel I'm taking something away from their other mother. I realize I'm not...and I realize God has called us to this journey, but the same BIG HEART that enables me to do what others say they could "never do," is the same big heart that causes me to feel guilty for doing it and doing it well...
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Friday, November 28, 2014
Bittersweet Moments in the Making....
Tonight, Jeremy, the kids, and I decorated OUR Christmas tree. After the tree was decorated, we cuddled up together on the couch. We watched in silence, as the tree slowly rotated and Christmas music played in the background. I honestly don't believe there's been a more peaceful moment in our house since the kids joined us on June 16th. However, as I Sat with a kid cuddled up to each side of me, tears began to roll down my face. I couldn't help it. You see, these moments and memories that we are making are bittersweet. This is our first Christmas together. Yesterday, was our first Thanksgiving together. Baby girl says it's the best Thanksgiving she's ever had. She said she always hated Thanksgiving. Our firsts....may very well be our lasts. Each moment we have with our babies is a gift from God, and one we may never have again.... I challenge you to slow down this holiday season. I challenge you to cherish each moment with the ones God has gifted to you. I challenge you to focus on making memories. I challenge you to recognize the blessings you have.
Thank you, God, for this calling you have placed on our lives. We don't get it right every day... but we are striving to get it more and more right every moment. Give us the strength to seek Your will and to treasure each moment. Help us to hold them in our hearts for the days when they are only memories. Amen.
Monday, October 6, 2014
"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy..." Psalm 126: 5
Today has been a rough day. I have sown many tears. This bothers me, at times. It's just been one of those days. I went to bed on the wrong side of the bed....I woke up on the wrong side of the bed....the car wouldn't start, so J had to take the van....I took the battery charger off the car battery and "shocked" myself...NONE of this was a BIG DEAL, when you really think about it...it was all a comedy of errors. Bad days happen...they're really not worth rehashing that much. Overall, I'm alive, I'm healthy, I have a roof over my head, food in my cabinets...life IS good. So, why do I find myself drawn to focusing on the negative? I'm working hard on NOT doing that.
So...what actually caused my tears today? Today, we took a new step in our foster care journey. Today, I found out that not only would we be starting visitation with Baby Girl and Little Man's mom...but we would be starting phone calls, too.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I will tell you....I was overcome with anger and sadness and fear...and a million other emotions, all wrapped up into one. Please, don't get me wrong...it's not that I don't know what foster care is. It's not that I didn't realize all of this would begin to take place soon. It wasn't even that I hadn't been preparing for it...I had. Unless you're in the situation...I don't believe you can fully understand the emotions, though. I felt angry...yes. I felt sadness....yes. I felt fear...yes. I kept thinking, "These are my babies! We share them now. I've had them for 113 days!" and "Why do you get to march back in and take over like nothing every happened?" (Though that's quite irrational, because that's not what was happening) and "What if she breaks their heart? What if she makes them cry?" and "What will our world be like after this phone call? Will we have daily meltdowns? Will they be angry? Will they lash out at me?" Again...so many emotions.
So, tonight, we called. I wasn't prepared for the million OTHER emotions I felt! I watched Baby Girl light up talking to her mom. Don't get me wrong...she lights up with us. We have wonderful moments. This was a different "lighting up," thought. It was a hole I couldn't quite fill or reach. A hole I may never be able to reach...and one I may never need to. I saw Baby Girl cry, and hurt, because everything she's been missing was right there. I heard a mother's voice fill with tears the moment she heard her little girl's voice. I heard her choke back those tears and ask a million questions. Then, I heard a mother no longer able to hold her tears back when she heard her son's voice.
I held my Baby Girl while she sobbed talking to her mom. I stepped in and had her tell Momma a joke, so they could both break the tears. Momma "tickled" Baby Girl through the phone, while I held her in my lap, actually tickling her...so that Momma wouldn't have her tears as her last memory of the phone call.
Why did I do those things? Because...it's part of a foster mother's job. "Our" Baby Girl needed to know she was okay...she needed to know she would see Momma soon...and she needed to know D-Mom wasn't going anywhere. It felt right. It was necessary. It was what was needed at the time.
As the phone call was ending, Little Man said "Bye" from across the room. His Momma thought it was me. She said, "Bye. Thank you." She started crying. "Thank you. Please take care of my babies for me." The tears came. I said, "You're welcome, and of course I will." I didn't try to explain to her that they're my babies, too. They are, though. They have my heart. I'm dreading the day they will go home. I know that my heart will break into a million pieces. But, you know what? I heard the gratitude in their Momma's voice, as they told her all the things they'd experienced and done. I heard her laugh when Baby Girl would accidentally call her "Dayna," or "Daynee," or "D-Mom!" I didn't hear anger or resentment or jealousy. She sounded truly sorrowful for the time she has missed, but truly grateful for what we're doing for her kids. Maybe I'm just an optimist....
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know when Baby Girl and Little Man will leave our home. But, I know they matter. I know they matter to me. I could hear the love in their mother's voice. Sometimes, love isn't enough, but I believe she will try....and while I hurt for me...I pray for her. I pray that God's best be brought about into the lives of these children. I pray that their Momma, Lord willing, will be able to give them a good home, filled with love and warmth....I just pray for their Momma. That she would experience God's love and grace....and, for however long it lasts, I thank her and God, for the opportunity to be D-Mom to my sweet babies. I will forever be grateful.
Between now and then...I will take one day at a time, and I will thank God that he knows my tears, and that He is bringing me joy....
Now, I must go upstairs with my husband and tuck our babies into bed for the 113th time...and steal a few more hugs and kisses with them.
So...what actually caused my tears today? Today, we took a new step in our foster care journey. Today, I found out that not only would we be starting visitation with Baby Girl and Little Man's mom...but we would be starting phone calls, too.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I will tell you....I was overcome with anger and sadness and fear...and a million other emotions, all wrapped up into one. Please, don't get me wrong...it's not that I don't know what foster care is. It's not that I didn't realize all of this would begin to take place soon. It wasn't even that I hadn't been preparing for it...I had. Unless you're in the situation...I don't believe you can fully understand the emotions, though. I felt angry...yes. I felt sadness....yes. I felt fear...yes. I kept thinking, "These are my babies! We share them now. I've had them for 113 days!" and "Why do you get to march back in and take over like nothing every happened?" (Though that's quite irrational, because that's not what was happening) and "What if she breaks their heart? What if she makes them cry?" and "What will our world be like after this phone call? Will we have daily meltdowns? Will they be angry? Will they lash out at me?" Again...so many emotions.
So, tonight, we called. I wasn't prepared for the million OTHER emotions I felt! I watched Baby Girl light up talking to her mom. Don't get me wrong...she lights up with us. We have wonderful moments. This was a different "lighting up," thought. It was a hole I couldn't quite fill or reach. A hole I may never be able to reach...and one I may never need to. I saw Baby Girl cry, and hurt, because everything she's been missing was right there. I heard a mother's voice fill with tears the moment she heard her little girl's voice. I heard her choke back those tears and ask a million questions. Then, I heard a mother no longer able to hold her tears back when she heard her son's voice.
I held my Baby Girl while she sobbed talking to her mom. I stepped in and had her tell Momma a joke, so they could both break the tears. Momma "tickled" Baby Girl through the phone, while I held her in my lap, actually tickling her...so that Momma wouldn't have her tears as her last memory of the phone call.
Why did I do those things? Because...it's part of a foster mother's job. "Our" Baby Girl needed to know she was okay...she needed to know she would see Momma soon...and she needed to know D-Mom wasn't going anywhere. It felt right. It was necessary. It was what was needed at the time.
As the phone call was ending, Little Man said "Bye" from across the room. His Momma thought it was me. She said, "Bye. Thank you." She started crying. "Thank you. Please take care of my babies for me." The tears came. I said, "You're welcome, and of course I will." I didn't try to explain to her that they're my babies, too. They are, though. They have my heart. I'm dreading the day they will go home. I know that my heart will break into a million pieces. But, you know what? I heard the gratitude in their Momma's voice, as they told her all the things they'd experienced and done. I heard her laugh when Baby Girl would accidentally call her "Dayna," or "Daynee," or "D-Mom!" I didn't hear anger or resentment or jealousy. She sounded truly sorrowful for the time she has missed, but truly grateful for what we're doing for her kids. Maybe I'm just an optimist....
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know when Baby Girl and Little Man will leave our home. But, I know they matter. I know they matter to me. I could hear the love in their mother's voice. Sometimes, love isn't enough, but I believe she will try....and while I hurt for me...I pray for her. I pray that God's best be brought about into the lives of these children. I pray that their Momma, Lord willing, will be able to give them a good home, filled with love and warmth....I just pray for their Momma. That she would experience God's love and grace....and, for however long it lasts, I thank her and God, for the opportunity to be D-Mom to my sweet babies. I will forever be grateful.
Between now and then...I will take one day at a time, and I will thank God that he knows my tears, and that He is bringing me joy....
Now, I must go upstairs with my husband and tuck our babies into bed for the 113th time...and steal a few more hugs and kisses with them.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Let Me Hold You...
Click here to listen to Karen Kingsbury read her story, Let Me Hold You Longer...
This week has been full of early mornings, long days, and late nights. Tonight, I told my "babies" to tuck themselves into bed. I was so tired...but more than that, I'm in this phase of trying to protect my heart. It's selfish, I know.
You see, in the next days and weeks, our journey is about to change. Our sweet babies will probably begin visitation soon; they will begin preparing to return home. I'm not prepared. My heart isn't ready. Unless you've ever tucked a special child into bed, you don't know how intimate that is. That's the time I connect most with my little ones. There's always one more story they have to share, one more whispered prayer, one more hug or kiss, one more "I love you...." It is a special time. And so, selfish as it is, I'm trying to block it out....to prepare my heart. The only problem is, it's not working. I always end up there, anyway.
Tonight, it was LATE....well past bedtime. So, I said "Brush your teeth and get your pj's on. You're tucking yourselves in tonight." Little Man did his usual pouting. I followed him into the kitchen...I picked him up in my arms....this isn't as easy as it used to be...he's gained at least 15 pounds since he came to live here! I swung him through the air, I snuggled him, then I sat him down on the sink and rocked him in my arms, singing to him. Just being silly. God convicted my heart, as I prayed there with my son. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I prayed I could hold him a little longer. He sensed it....he held me tighter and whispered "I love you."
My babies didn't tuck themselves in tonight. I crawled (yes, literally crawled....I told you I'm exhausted) up those stairs tonight! I snuggled my sweet boy and girl, and I tucked them snugly into bed.
Why? Because....I don't know how many more chances I have to tuck them into bed. I don't know when or journey will end. I'm heart sick thinking about it. It's not supposed to hurt like this! It does, though....and it will. For now, we hold them a little longer....we love them a little more....and we trust God to take care of them now and always. For now, we relish in the growth we have seen....we celebrate every step forward, and even the ones back...and we hold onto each moment, writing the stories in our minds and hearts.
Karen's story doesn't fully match ours....we didn't have them since birth...but the sentiment is the same. We've still had many firsts, and lasts, with them...and I want to cherish each one!
Dear Lord, let me hold them a little longer...
Sunday, September 14, 2014
What do others see?
Last week, I received one of the greatest compliments I have ever received. If not THE GREATEST.
I was speaking with a friend. She's dear to me. God placed her in mine and my husband's life when we were dating. She moved away, but thanks to Facebook, we were able to stay in touch. Recently, we found ourselves on a similar journey....foster care. This has drawn us even closer to one another. We've experienced many similar struggles and joys, while also supporting each other through different trials and triumphs. She is a blessing to my life.
Through all of our experiences, one thing hasn't changed. Who I am. I'm just me. This 33 year-old girl who has this unshakable faith in this amazing God. I talk about my God every day. (I never realized how much until two of my former students said to me this year, "We are here to get our daily dose of preaching, Mrs. B! You're always talking to your friends about God.") God is a huge part of who I am. I will never stop singing His praises. I'm not always successful, but I do try to look for His good and His purpose, even when times are difficult.
Apparently, I've been more successful than I ever imagined. My dear friend has been through some trials in her life. She's been hurt. She's been mistreated and let down. Through it all, though, she's continued to live.
I knew my friend didn't have a church home, but I honestly didn't know where she stood with God and her beliefs. I just kept telling her all the ways God was working in my life. I giggled at some of the things I saw God doing in hers....doesn't He have an awesome sense of humor?! I loved pointing them out to her. I prayed for her. Daily. I made sure she knew I was praying. We talked about similar experiences we had been through...and I talked about how my faith carried me through. Specifically, I remember talking to her about forgiveness I had extended to someone who, by the world's standards, doesn't deserve forgiveness. We talked about how I pray for this person and hope for good things for them. I remember telling her how God did the same for me. Again...this was just me being me. I had no ulterior motives. I was sharing part of me with a friend I love...who understands me.
So, last week, we were talking about another situation. I expressed that I knew God had a bigger and better plan. That His timing was better than mine could ever be. (How hard is this to hold on to at times, though?!?!?) The following are a few excerpts from my friend's response:
"Things in my life are happening to make me question my very core of existence. There has to be a hand guiding me. I have you and so many other people who base their lives on faith....."
"There has to be a reason that there are so many people in my life now with such a strong faith system. I'm listening and learning and starting to believe there could be a great love out there for me..."
"You teach in ways you'll never know..."
I seriously lost it, there and then. I sobbed. I wasn't trying to be a witness to her, though I did want her to know God loves her and to see His love. I was truly just being me. I also realize she doesn't give me all the credit....of course, I give God the credit, anyway. He IS guiding her life. He is blessing her. She is seeing Him now, because her eyes have been opened. (Perhaps because she is showing the same type of love the Gospel preaches by doing foster care? Perhaps through our conversations? Perhaps through the stories her girls bring home from church/VBS? I'm sure many reasons combine....) I PRAY for my dear friend even more so now. I pray God ministers to her spirit daily. I pray she sees more of Him in her daily life. I pray she will come to know Him as a loving Father and best friend. You can never be too old for that.
Our conversation was a blessing, though. It was the first time someone told me an impact I'd had on their life like that. (Aside from my students) It encouraged and uplifted me. It also made me think.
One of my favorite scriptures is Matthew 5:14-16.
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."
Let your light shine...
Is your light shining? What do others see? Do they see God? Do they witness unconditional love? Do they see a shining light in a dark world? Or do they see negativity? Do they see a hypocrite? What do they see?
We really are teaching, even when we don't realize it. We may be the only Bible people ever see. Are they seeing the truth? Are they seeing a reason to believe?
I have been encouraged by my friend and by her words. I pray others also see. Christ in me and learn from me...just as I continue to love others!
Friend...I love you. Forever. I will continue to lift you in prayer. Keep seeking and listening. You are amazing....God and His faithfulness is even more amazing!
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Moments of the Heart....
This weekend has been about the little moments... but the ones that make my heart swell.
Friday, I posted a blog...a letter to myself, reminding me that there are better days for every rough day....better moments for every rough moment. A couple hours later, my kiddoes got off the school bus, and we experienced some of those better moments....
Little Man took THREE AR tests Friday.... he made 2 100s and an 80! He read two other books that he's ready to take tests on tomorrow, because he ran out of time! He made a 100 on a science test AND he got back an old science assignment...he says he's the only one to get a 100 on that assignment! Also, he moved his clothespin up to SUPER STUDENT from READY TO LEARN! Yes... I'm a proud Mama.
Baby Girl had a map project to do last week. It was due Friday. She made a 100! She worked so hard on that project! It was hard to sit on my hands and let it be kid - generated, but I did!!! She did well! She made a 100 on her reading/listening comprehension test! This is the first one she's made above a C on, so we are pleased!
I really love to see the kids excelling in school. It makes me feel like I'm making a difference.
We've had a lot of snuggle moments this weekend...moments where we decided to not worry about anything else. We just relaxed and loved on each other. In the hustle and bustle of school, church, homework, house work, appointments...I don't want to lose the little moments. These kiddoes have been loaned to us for a brief while. We don't know how long we have to show them love...tender, genuine love....tough love....Unconditional love. I'm focusing on snuggling them a little longer and celebrating little moments.
Speaking of celebrating.... we celebrated Grandparent's Day today! We have to mail gifts to J's parents. We got to give the gifts to Grammy (my mom) & Poppi & ReMal, though! That was exciting! The kids loved it, and I think I had as much fun as they did! While they may not be in our home forever, they will forever remember the love all of their adoptive grandparents have given them. It's real to them. It's another moment that warms the heart.
I challenge you to slow down. Focus on the heart moments. Say I love you. Ask how are you. Smell the roses. Experience life through the eyes of children. Slow down. Relish the moments you have. Make moments! They're worthwhile. I promise.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Dear Self...
We've had a few rough days in the Bloomer household. We've had some emotional times. We've had some stressful times. The last week and a half has been challenging at times. When I have my darkest moments, I try to remind myself of the same things I tell others. I'm not always good at that, though, and several times the last week and a half (probably daily, if I'm honest), I've felt like a failure and questioned my worth as a parent. (It doesn't help when one of them gets mad at you and tells you, "You're a bad parent, because...." Of course, they later hug you and kiss you and tell you they're sorry...but the words still wound at times. I have to remind myself they don't mean it; it's hard for them, too.) I decided to write down the words I would tell other people...the encouragement and reassurance I would give them...and to write it to myself. That way, when I'm having a rough day...I can go back and read it...and remember...
Dear Self...
Here are just a few things I want to tell you or remind you. (Other parents, you can listen up, too!)
1. You are not a failure.
2. Stop taking it personal. It's not a reflection of you or your parenting ability.
3. Hang in there.
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. More on that, but first...some food for thought.
The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else. ~ John Burroughs
Failure happens all the time. It happens every day in practice. What makes you better is how you react to it. ~ Mia Hamm
I really don't think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don't mind the failure but I can't imagine that I'd forgive myself if I didn't try. ~ Nikki Giovanni
There is no failure except in no longer trying. ~ Elbert Hubbard
You see, you're not a failure. You're still trying. Every single day, you give it your best effort. You wake up every morning thinking about your kids. "Will they eat breakfast at home or at school? Is it a good day for a special treat -- like running through the Hardee's drive-thru? Why does Little Man insist on eating breakfast at school instead of here? Does he really eat breakfast? I would hate for him to be hungry all day; he's so little as it is. What crazy outfit will Baby Girl come down the stairs in today? I'm so torn sometimes between letting her pick out her own clothes (but making sure they match) and picking her clothes out for her. How many times will I have to tell them to brush their teeth this morning? Did I sign all their papers last night? Did their folders get put back in their book bags? I love these kiddoes so much; what will I do when their gone??" Those thoughts...they are in the first sixty seconds of waking up, probably. The thoughts don't stop there, either. They keep rolling, pretty much non-stop. Those kids, they're part of your world. They matter.
Does this mean you'll get it right every time? No. There are days you'll raise your voice a little too sharply. There are days you'll forget to sign a permission slip. There are days one of those words you tell them not to say just may slip between your lips. (Don't worry, it's still not pretty, lady-like or "okay," but forgive yourself...and God will forgive you, too. Next time you can bite your tongue.) But, for every day like that...there will be 5, 10, 15, or 20 better days. There will be the days when you hug them a little tighter. There will be the days when Little Man WANTS to curl up in your lap and read with you. There will be the days when someone compliments you on how well-behaved they are. There will be the days when you notice that THIS TIME they didn't cower behind you when they met someone new. There will be the days that they flush the toilet, wash their hands, and turn out the light -- ALL WITHOUT BEING REMINDED! There will be the days where they squeeze you so tight, you feel like you really may break in two. There will be the moments/days where even after you've felt like a failure for speaking too harshly, they will be saying their prayers, and you'll hear them say, "Help Ms. Dayna to feel better." or "Help us all to have a good day." There will be those moments...the ones where you know that you're doing something right...that they're listening...and that, believe it or not, they really are learning from you!
Every time you respond to those moments you perceive as failures in a courageous way...that ensures that you aren't a failure. Every time you respond to those moments by saying, "I'm sorry. I overreacted. Please forgive me," or "I love you. I will do better next time," or "I shouldn't have said that. Will you forgive me?"...you ensure you aren't a failure. Every time you stand up tall again, every time you keep trying, every time you accept responsibility and move forward...you ensure you aren't a failure.
Listen to me one more time. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You are learning and growing...whether you've been a parent for 2 months or 2 decades...you still won't get it right every time. That doesn't make you a failure. That makes you human. Quit holding yourself to a higher standard than you would hold everyone else to...you don't call them a failure when they mess up once or twice...or even repeatedly, as long as they acknowledge their mistakes and stand up again. Give yourself the same credit and respect you give to others.
STOP TAKING IT PERSONAL!
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones
A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. ~Author Unknown
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. ~Harold Hulbert
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. ~Franklin P. Jones
A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. ~Robert Brault
Listen to one who knows. How many years have you spent working with children? How many times have you met a parent, who was so lovely and concerned and really trying to do it the right way, and then asked yourself, "Why is that child still acting up so much?" or "Why does the child act that way?" YES, there are times when you can honestly say, "The apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree." Those times are fewer and farther between than you realize, though, right now...when you're in the thick of it. So Little Man lied about his homework...or he didn't turn it in on time...or, even though you went over the directions with him 25 times, he still didn't do it right. At some point, there have to be natural consequences for behavior...he has to learn. So, you didn't make him redo it. He's a child. He's finding his wings. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent. It really doesn't reflect as negatively on you as you think. Let it go.
It's truly not a reflection of you or your parenting. Do you know what makes a good parent? One who loves and listens and is involved...that's a good parent. Perfect is nowhere in the definition of parent. Stop putting it there unnecessarily. How many times have you told your friends (whether they're doing foster care or raising their own flesh and blood)..."NO ONE is judging you!" "It's not a reflection of you!" "You're doing a great job!" "Don't worry about it!" "I'm proud of you!" "You're awesome!" Why is it so easy for you to speak those words to others who need to hear it...but you won't listen to them yourself? Listen now. You're doing what every good parent does. You're putting your children first. You're listening to them. You're involved with what goes on in their life. You care. You want them to be successful. Anyone who talks to you (or your kids) for more than five minutes can see that you have their best interests at heart, and their unpredictable behaviors and choices are a result of being a child (and, to be more specific...a child who has learned a lot of those behaviors to survive), not a poor reflection of you.
In the moments you feel like people are judging you...in the moments you feel that you are a poor parent...hug those kids a little tighter; speak positive words of affirmation into their life a little more; focus on the good you see in them. Pray for them. When you focus on the positive, and lay aside the negative, you'll remind yourselves, and them, that you're doing a good job...together.
HANG IN THERE!
Better days are coming. Each day isn't perfect, but your hard work and efforts are not to no avail.
It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. ~Frederick Douglass
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
When you get to your wits end, you will find, God lives there. ~Author Unknown
When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile. ~Author Unknown
Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb
Most of us, swimming against the tides of trouble the world knows nothing about, need only a bit of praise or encouragement - and we will make the goal. ~Jerome Fleishman
It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves. ~Edmund Hillary
A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn. ~Author Unknown
We acquire the strength we have overcome. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll. ~Author Unknown
You see, these kiddoes...they are making progress each and every day. Even if you can't see it all the time...it's there. Don't stop doing what you're doing. God put this desire in your heart. Keep fueling it. You are helping to build strong children...they may have been a little weak when they came to you, but when they leave you, they'll be a lot less broken...I promise. They will remember what you've taught them, too. You may not see the fruits of your labor come to full fruition for many years...but it will be there.
Encourage yourself. The best way to do this is to talk to God. Pick up His Word and feed on it. Talk to others who have been there. Sometimes, there's nothing more reassuring than to hear, "I've experienced the same thing," or "It's normal," or "You're doing great!" If you get to the point where you can't encourage yourself, find someone who can.
Don't quit. Don't beat yourself up. There are days when you want to cry...let yourself cry. Then, look around at all the reasons you have to smile and smile ever so brightly. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF; I believe in you.
Love,
Dayna
Dear Self...
Here are just a few things I want to tell you or remind you. (Other parents, you can listen up, too!)
1. You are not a failure.
2. Stop taking it personal. It's not a reflection of you or your parenting ability.
3. Hang in there.
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. More on that, but first...some food for thought.
The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else. ~ John Burroughs
Failure happens all the time. It happens every day in practice. What makes you better is how you react to it. ~ Mia Hamm
I really don't think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don't mind the failure but I can't imagine that I'd forgive myself if I didn't try. ~ Nikki Giovanni
There is no failure except in no longer trying. ~ Elbert Hubbard
You see, you're not a failure. You're still trying. Every single day, you give it your best effort. You wake up every morning thinking about your kids. "Will they eat breakfast at home or at school? Is it a good day for a special treat -- like running through the Hardee's drive-thru? Why does Little Man insist on eating breakfast at school instead of here? Does he really eat breakfast? I would hate for him to be hungry all day; he's so little as it is. What crazy outfit will Baby Girl come down the stairs in today? I'm so torn sometimes between letting her pick out her own clothes (but making sure they match) and picking her clothes out for her. How many times will I have to tell them to brush their teeth this morning? Did I sign all their papers last night? Did their folders get put back in their book bags? I love these kiddoes so much; what will I do when their gone??" Those thoughts...they are in the first sixty seconds of waking up, probably. The thoughts don't stop there, either. They keep rolling, pretty much non-stop. Those kids, they're part of your world. They matter.
Does this mean you'll get it right every time? No. There are days you'll raise your voice a little too sharply. There are days you'll forget to sign a permission slip. There are days one of those words you tell them not to say just may slip between your lips. (Don't worry, it's still not pretty, lady-like or "okay," but forgive yourself...and God will forgive you, too. Next time you can bite your tongue.) But, for every day like that...there will be 5, 10, 15, or 20 better days. There will be the days when you hug them a little tighter. There will be the days when Little Man WANTS to curl up in your lap and read with you. There will be the days when someone compliments you on how well-behaved they are. There will be the days when you notice that THIS TIME they didn't cower behind you when they met someone new. There will be the days that they flush the toilet, wash their hands, and turn out the light -- ALL WITHOUT BEING REMINDED! There will be the days where they squeeze you so tight, you feel like you really may break in two. There will be the moments/days where even after you've felt like a failure for speaking too harshly, they will be saying their prayers, and you'll hear them say, "Help Ms. Dayna to feel better." or "Help us all to have a good day." There will be those moments...the ones where you know that you're doing something right...that they're listening...and that, believe it or not, they really are learning from you!
Every time you respond to those moments you perceive as failures in a courageous way...that ensures that you aren't a failure. Every time you respond to those moments by saying, "I'm sorry. I overreacted. Please forgive me," or "I love you. I will do better next time," or "I shouldn't have said that. Will you forgive me?"...you ensure you aren't a failure. Every time you stand up tall again, every time you keep trying, every time you accept responsibility and move forward...you ensure you aren't a failure.
Listen to me one more time. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You are learning and growing...whether you've been a parent for 2 months or 2 decades...you still won't get it right every time. That doesn't make you a failure. That makes you human. Quit holding yourself to a higher standard than you would hold everyone else to...you don't call them a failure when they mess up once or twice...or even repeatedly, as long as they acknowledge their mistakes and stand up again. Give yourself the same credit and respect you give to others.
STOP TAKING IT PERSONAL!
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones
A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. ~Author Unknown
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. ~Harold Hulbert
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. ~Franklin P. Jones
A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. ~Robert Brault
Listen to one who knows. How many years have you spent working with children? How many times have you met a parent, who was so lovely and concerned and really trying to do it the right way, and then asked yourself, "Why is that child still acting up so much?" or "Why does the child act that way?" YES, there are times when you can honestly say, "The apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree." Those times are fewer and farther between than you realize, though, right now...when you're in the thick of it. So Little Man lied about his homework...or he didn't turn it in on time...or, even though you went over the directions with him 25 times, he still didn't do it right. At some point, there have to be natural consequences for behavior...he has to learn. So, you didn't make him redo it. He's a child. He's finding his wings. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent. It really doesn't reflect as negatively on you as you think. Let it go.
It's truly not a reflection of you or your parenting. Do you know what makes a good parent? One who loves and listens and is involved...that's a good parent. Perfect is nowhere in the definition of parent. Stop putting it there unnecessarily. How many times have you told your friends (whether they're doing foster care or raising their own flesh and blood)..."NO ONE is judging you!" "It's not a reflection of you!" "You're doing a great job!" "Don't worry about it!" "I'm proud of you!" "You're awesome!" Why is it so easy for you to speak those words to others who need to hear it...but you won't listen to them yourself? Listen now. You're doing what every good parent does. You're putting your children first. You're listening to them. You're involved with what goes on in their life. You care. You want them to be successful. Anyone who talks to you (or your kids) for more than five minutes can see that you have their best interests at heart, and their unpredictable behaviors and choices are a result of being a child (and, to be more specific...a child who has learned a lot of those behaviors to survive), not a poor reflection of you.
In the moments you feel like people are judging you...in the moments you feel that you are a poor parent...hug those kids a little tighter; speak positive words of affirmation into their life a little more; focus on the good you see in them. Pray for them. When you focus on the positive, and lay aside the negative, you'll remind yourselves, and them, that you're doing a good job...together.
HANG IN THERE!
Better days are coming. Each day isn't perfect, but your hard work and efforts are not to no avail.
It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. ~Frederick Douglass
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
When you get to your wits end, you will find, God lives there. ~Author Unknown
When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile. ~Author Unknown
Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb
Most of us, swimming against the tides of trouble the world knows nothing about, need only a bit of praise or encouragement - and we will make the goal. ~Jerome Fleishman
It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves. ~Edmund Hillary
A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn. ~Author Unknown
We acquire the strength we have overcome. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll. ~Author Unknown
You see, these kiddoes...they are making progress each and every day. Even if you can't see it all the time...it's there. Don't stop doing what you're doing. God put this desire in your heart. Keep fueling it. You are helping to build strong children...they may have been a little weak when they came to you, but when they leave you, they'll be a lot less broken...I promise. They will remember what you've taught them, too. You may not see the fruits of your labor come to full fruition for many years...but it will be there.
Encourage yourself. The best way to do this is to talk to God. Pick up His Word and feed on it. Talk to others who have been there. Sometimes, there's nothing more reassuring than to hear, "I've experienced the same thing," or "It's normal," or "You're doing great!" If you get to the point where you can't encourage yourself, find someone who can.
Don't quit. Don't beat yourself up. There are days when you want to cry...let yourself cry. Then, look around at all the reasons you have to smile and smile ever so brightly. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF; I believe in you.
Love,
Dayna
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Am I a Mom?
**Disclaimer: The purpose of this post is to answer questions other people may have...not to criticize my sister or anyone else. I'm not upset with her. I understand the mixed emotions she's been having as well, and I admire her for saying to me, "I have mixed emotions about this..." Do NOT judge her...I know there are a million other people out there who have the same questions she had. I want to address those questions from my point of view, to see if I can spread awareness.**
Months ago, when we began the foster care process, my younger sister walked through it with me. She talked to me often about the process, what we were going through, our emotions, etc. She was very excited to be a foster-aunt. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she would love my foster children with all that she had. She has plenty of love to give. Immediately, she did love my children. She showed them love and care when she was around them. She mailed them cards to tell them she was thinking of them, and she told each of them one positive quality she admired in them. She's an amazing aunt.
Recently, though, we had a brief conversation. Then, my sister came across my blog on Facebook...and that prompted a bigger, more honest, in-depth conversation...where she told me these mixed emotions and concerns she had been having...where she expressed her own fears about being a "foster aunt." You see, it bothered her a little that she saw me calling myself a "mom" without putting the word foster in front of it. This bothered her for several reasons. Am I a mother? What makes a mother? I didn't birth these children, and they're only in my life temporarily (at this time). Am I trying to take the place of these kids' mother? My sister has always been the one who can empathize with people who are hurting, or have chosen destructive paths in life. She doesn't want to see them continually hurt. She also didn't want to see ME hurt, by calling myself a MOM...forgetting it was "temporary." Would I get too attached? What would happen to me, when "my children" were taken away from me? (I am certainly not using her exact words here, and she didn't say all of this explicitly...some of it, I inferred/perceived based on other conversations I've had with people and other comments I have heard) EDIT: I feel I should clarify one thing that I didn't write well...Toni did not call me to criticize me, when we had the second conversation...the one I wrote about. She called to apologize and to be honest with me that something had been bothering her, because her heart hurt for the mom, too. Then, she had read my blog...about my mixed emotions and my feelings that my gain means someone else's loss. She realized I had some of the same questions and mixed emotions. Toni DOES consider herself an aunt to my children, she does love them....she never questioned if I was a mom exactly....she questioned if I should, on Facebook or anywhere, being leaving off the word foster in front....if it hurt my kids or me or other people. I wrote the post, because I know some people say, "Oh you're just a foster mom" or "you're not a real mom." They DO mean it negatively. Toni meant it from a protective standpoint, and she wanted an open, honest conversation to help her understand. She wanted to break the silence, and she wanted to know more. I should also add, she had to be brave to do that, because I haven't always been known for being level-headed and rational about things I'm passionate about. (Right, Toni?!) A few years ago, I would have bitten her head off!
So, I addressed these in a healthy manner with my sister. Now, allow me to address them to all my readers who may have questions....or to other foster parents, who may wonder....or who may have family who wonders.
Am I a mom? I address this question, as Baby Girl is lying on my arm, snuggling me....do you know how hard it is to type, when a child is lying on your dominate arm? Ha ha! I address this question, as Little Man runs past me to the bathroom and says "Give me a hug! I love you so much!" Do those events necessarily make me a "mom?" Not in an instance by themselves, no. But, yes...they are part of what makes me a mom.
I am a mom. I wake up early in the mornings. I rush through my shower to allow the children to sleep just a little longer, so I can then get them up and focus on them, as much as possible. I pick out clothes. I fix hair. I cook meals. I assist with homework. I hold these kids while they cry. I get them to school on time. I help with homework....sometimes, homework is painstakingly difficult. I struggle not to cry, when I watch them struggling...because, as my seven year-old said, "No one ever cared enough to help me with homework before. They were always too busy fighting." (Hearing a seven year-old saying this, so brutally honest...hurts.) I plan birthday parties. I comfort after nightmares. I laugh with the children. I cry with the children. I've taught them proper hygiene and how to bathe. I call their teachers. I take them to the doctor. I sit up with them at night, when they can't sleep. I tuck them in every night and say their prayers with them. I listen, non-judgmentally, as they share with me the good and bad memories of life, "when we were with our mom." (I admit...that's sometimes the hardest part)
Yes...I'm a mom.
There's a quote that says, "It's not the word before parent that defines...bio, adoptive, foster, step...but rather the love and dedication in the parent's heart..."
The love and dedication in my heart is immense. It is a fierce. It is real.
Understand this, though....it is NOT a desire to take the place of the mom or dad of any child placed in my home...especially a child who is in foster care, not an adoptive placement. My desire is to be a good role model, a good "fill-in" for these kids, who I consider partly my own, while their parents are unable to be there. My goal is to provide them with love, stability, security, and peace while they are with me. I tell the children often, "I'm not trying to take your mommy's place. I'm just trying to help you live a good, quality life until your mommy is able to give you the same life. I will never take her place." My children understand that...yet, they sometimes introduce me as "my mom." Sometimes, they introduce me as "My Daynee" or "Miss Dayna" or "my foster mom." They call me whatever they are comfortable with at that time...and I'm okay with that. I want them to be comfortable. I want them to feel safe. We pray together for their mommy, and I will continue to do that....
But, yes, I will continue to call myself a mom; because I am. I may only be a mom in their life temporarily...but I hope and pray my influence will be worthwhile...and remembered, when they do go back home and as they grow up...that they will remember some of the things they have learned while here.
I hope this will help to answer a few questions people may have. Many children are in foster care and need a second "mom" or "dad" to fill in for a while...or for what may lead to an eternity. If you are interested in becoming a foster parent...or finding out more about being a foster parent...please let me know!
If you are becoming a foster-aunt, foster-grandparent, foster-church family member....and you have concerns about it...or about getting attached...let me give you the best advice I can. Give up the belief that you won't get attached. Let your guard down. Open your heart. Wear it on your sleeve. These kids need love...genuine, heart-felt, no-holds-barred LOVE. You can help them give it...right beside their foster parents! Will your heart break when they leave? Without a doubt. But, you're investing in their future...and you could very much be turning a life around. I promise, the ache you feel when they leave will be worth knowing you helped transform a life.
Months ago, when we began the foster care process, my younger sister walked through it with me. She talked to me often about the process, what we were going through, our emotions, etc. She was very excited to be a foster-aunt. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she would love my foster children with all that she had. She has plenty of love to give. Immediately, she did love my children. She showed them love and care when she was around them. She mailed them cards to tell them she was thinking of them, and she told each of them one positive quality she admired in them. She's an amazing aunt.
Recently, though, we had a brief conversation. Then, my sister came across my blog on Facebook...and that prompted a bigger, more honest, in-depth conversation...where she told me these mixed emotions and concerns she had been having...where she expressed her own fears about being a "foster aunt." You see, it bothered her a little that she saw me calling myself a "mom" without putting the word foster in front of it. This bothered her for several reasons. Am I a mother? What makes a mother? I didn't birth these children, and they're only in my life temporarily (at this time). Am I trying to take the place of these kids' mother? My sister has always been the one who can empathize with people who are hurting, or have chosen destructive paths in life. She doesn't want to see them continually hurt. She also didn't want to see ME hurt, by calling myself a MOM...forgetting it was "temporary." Would I get too attached? What would happen to me, when "my children" were taken away from me? (I am certainly not using her exact words here, and she didn't say all of this explicitly...some of it, I inferred/perceived based on other conversations I've had with people and other comments I have heard) EDIT: I feel I should clarify one thing that I didn't write well...Toni did not call me to criticize me, when we had the second conversation...the one I wrote about. She called to apologize and to be honest with me that something had been bothering her, because her heart hurt for the mom, too. Then, she had read my blog...about my mixed emotions and my feelings that my gain means someone else's loss. She realized I had some of the same questions and mixed emotions. Toni DOES consider herself an aunt to my children, she does love them....she never questioned if I was a mom exactly....she questioned if I should, on Facebook or anywhere, being leaving off the word foster in front....if it hurt my kids or me or other people. I wrote the post, because I know some people say, "Oh you're just a foster mom" or "you're not a real mom." They DO mean it negatively. Toni meant it from a protective standpoint, and she wanted an open, honest conversation to help her understand. She wanted to break the silence, and she wanted to know more. I should also add, she had to be brave to do that, because I haven't always been known for being level-headed and rational about things I'm passionate about. (Right, Toni?!) A few years ago, I would have bitten her head off!
So, I addressed these in a healthy manner with my sister. Now, allow me to address them to all my readers who may have questions....or to other foster parents, who may wonder....or who may have family who wonders.
Am I a mom? I address this question, as Baby Girl is lying on my arm, snuggling me....do you know how hard it is to type, when a child is lying on your dominate arm? Ha ha! I address this question, as Little Man runs past me to the bathroom and says "Give me a hug! I love you so much!" Do those events necessarily make me a "mom?" Not in an instance by themselves, no. But, yes...they are part of what makes me a mom.
I am a mom. I wake up early in the mornings. I rush through my shower to allow the children to sleep just a little longer, so I can then get them up and focus on them, as much as possible. I pick out clothes. I fix hair. I cook meals. I assist with homework. I hold these kids while they cry. I get them to school on time. I help with homework....sometimes, homework is painstakingly difficult. I struggle not to cry, when I watch them struggling...because, as my seven year-old said, "No one ever cared enough to help me with homework before. They were always too busy fighting." (Hearing a seven year-old saying this, so brutally honest...hurts.) I plan birthday parties. I comfort after nightmares. I laugh with the children. I cry with the children. I've taught them proper hygiene and how to bathe. I call their teachers. I take them to the doctor. I sit up with them at night, when they can't sleep. I tuck them in every night and say their prayers with them. I listen, non-judgmentally, as they share with me the good and bad memories of life, "when we were with our mom." (I admit...that's sometimes the hardest part)
Yes...I'm a mom.
There's a quote that says, "It's not the word before parent that defines...bio, adoptive, foster, step...but rather the love and dedication in the parent's heart..."
The love and dedication in my heart is immense. It is a fierce. It is real.
Understand this, though....it is NOT a desire to take the place of the mom or dad of any child placed in my home...especially a child who is in foster care, not an adoptive placement. My desire is to be a good role model, a good "fill-in" for these kids, who I consider partly my own, while their parents are unable to be there. My goal is to provide them with love, stability, security, and peace while they are with me. I tell the children often, "I'm not trying to take your mommy's place. I'm just trying to help you live a good, quality life until your mommy is able to give you the same life. I will never take her place." My children understand that...yet, they sometimes introduce me as "my mom." Sometimes, they introduce me as "My Daynee" or "Miss Dayna" or "my foster mom." They call me whatever they are comfortable with at that time...and I'm okay with that. I want them to be comfortable. I want them to feel safe. We pray together for their mommy, and I will continue to do that....
But, yes, I will continue to call myself a mom; because I am. I may only be a mom in their life temporarily...but I hope and pray my influence will be worthwhile...and remembered, when they do go back home and as they grow up...that they will remember some of the things they have learned while here.
I hope this will help to answer a few questions people may have. Many children are in foster care and need a second "mom" or "dad" to fill in for a while...or for what may lead to an eternity. If you are interested in becoming a foster parent...or finding out more about being a foster parent...please let me know!
If you are becoming a foster-aunt, foster-grandparent, foster-church family member....and you have concerns about it...or about getting attached...let me give you the best advice I can. Give up the belief that you won't get attached. Let your guard down. Open your heart. Wear it on your sleeve. These kids need love...genuine, heart-felt, no-holds-barred LOVE. You can help them give it...right beside their foster parents! Will your heart break when they leave? Without a doubt. But, you're investing in their future...and you could very much be turning a life around. I promise, the ache you feel when they leave will be worth knowing you helped transform a life.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
The many mixed emotions of a foster parent....
I recently read a quote by Erma Bombeck that said, "It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding." While it may not make sense to you...though I will try to explain it...this quote seems to epitomize how I am feeling tonight.
As I mentioned last night, we had court today. I was so sick with dread going to court. I knew that, most likely, the children would stay in our home. However, I also knew it wasn't guaranteed. Today, court went well...for us. We found out that, barring any unlikely and unforeseen circumstances, Baby Girl and Little Man will be with us at least until Christmas. We will get to celebrate Little Man's birthday. We will get to give them a Christmas they will never forget. We will get to hold them in our laps and read them the Christmas Story. They will be able to participate in the church Christmas play! There are so many experiences they will be able to have! I'm OVERJOYED by this. Partly because I am so excited for them to be able to have such wonderful experiences. Partly because I'm not ready to let "my babies" go yet. I can't imagine my life without them. They have transformed my life.
And that right there...that's the clincher. That's where the quote comes into play. The selfish, madly in love, protective part of me wants to be judgmental...."She doesn't deserve them" or "WHY would they want to go back there"...those are the kinds of thoughts that occasionally sneak into my thinking. (Rest assured, I NEVER say those words to my kids, and I rarely verbalize them to anyone.) But then, there's that compassion and understanding that sneaks in....it's their parents. No matter how many times they may have been wronged...no matter how little affection they may have ever experienced...it's blood, and it's family. There's a bond there, usually, that can't be explained or taken away. They (and most all foster children, I am sure) are fiercely loyal to their family. I understand that. It makes sense. I get it! (Of course, I was also fiercely loyal to a biological father who was seldom there....I get it more than some might) I "get it," but I still experience a sense of jealousy or hurt at times....I'm giving them this good, happy, solid life...something they've probably never had...and there is a part of them that wants to leave it! I UNDERSTAND....I have the compassion. My heart aches for them...they are away from the one person who is supposed to love them unconditionally and protect them. At the same time, my heart aches for me, because they would walk away from all this today, if they could. It doesn't mean they don't love me...they do! They tell me that at least 25 times a day, from sun up to sun down. Still, my job is to provide them a better home, a better life....UNTIL their parents are able to provide them with the same quality of life. I know this, so it shouldn't hurt like it does. (They say it will get easier as time goes on...this is our first placement; other than when Big D left, we haven't yet experienced loss. I'm not sure it will ever get easier, but I will never stop loving with all my heart; I'll never stop parenting.)
So there are the mixed emotions. I'm so JOYFUL for us (and the kids), because they will be with us through Christmas, most likely. AT THE SAME TIME, I feel guilty for being so joyful. My heart aches...not only for the kids, but for their mom and dad and all that they are missing out on, if the kids are experiencing it with me. Should I be so joyful? Am I in the wrong? Do the kids feel joy, too? (Yes, they do.) Should they feel guilty, too? (NEVER...but I know they do.)
Dear Lord, thank you for the opportunity to serve others in this way. Thank you for this calling you have put on our lives. Thank you for the joys we experience daily through this journey. Thank you, too, for the heartaches and the fears, because they give us a chance to lean closer to You and to trust in You a little more. Give us strength, Lord. Help us to do what You have called us to do, in the good times and the bad. Help us to be a safe place to land for "our" babies, Lord. We pray also for their family, Lord...and that's not easy. We pray that you will have Your hand in their life, as they (hopefully) strive to make a better life for their children. Help them to find You and to build a relationship with You, so that they may build a stronger relationship with their kids and be the role models and parents they need to be. We love You, Lord.
As I mentioned last night, we had court today. I was so sick with dread going to court. I knew that, most likely, the children would stay in our home. However, I also knew it wasn't guaranteed. Today, court went well...for us. We found out that, barring any unlikely and unforeseen circumstances, Baby Girl and Little Man will be with us at least until Christmas. We will get to celebrate Little Man's birthday. We will get to give them a Christmas they will never forget. We will get to hold them in our laps and read them the Christmas Story. They will be able to participate in the church Christmas play! There are so many experiences they will be able to have! I'm OVERJOYED by this. Partly because I am so excited for them to be able to have such wonderful experiences. Partly because I'm not ready to let "my babies" go yet. I can't imagine my life without them. They have transformed my life.
And that right there...that's the clincher. That's where the quote comes into play. The selfish, madly in love, protective part of me wants to be judgmental...."She doesn't deserve them" or "WHY would they want to go back there"...those are the kinds of thoughts that occasionally sneak into my thinking. (Rest assured, I NEVER say those words to my kids, and I rarely verbalize them to anyone.) But then, there's that compassion and understanding that sneaks in....it's their parents. No matter how many times they may have been wronged...no matter how little affection they may have ever experienced...it's blood, and it's family. There's a bond there, usually, that can't be explained or taken away. They (and most all foster children, I am sure) are fiercely loyal to their family. I understand that. It makes sense. I get it! (Of course, I was also fiercely loyal to a biological father who was seldom there....I get it more than some might) I "get it," but I still experience a sense of jealousy or hurt at times....I'm giving them this good, happy, solid life...something they've probably never had...and there is a part of them that wants to leave it! I UNDERSTAND....I have the compassion. My heart aches for them...they are away from the one person who is supposed to love them unconditionally and protect them. At the same time, my heart aches for me, because they would walk away from all this today, if they could. It doesn't mean they don't love me...they do! They tell me that at least 25 times a day, from sun up to sun down. Still, my job is to provide them a better home, a better life....UNTIL their parents are able to provide them with the same quality of life. I know this, so it shouldn't hurt like it does. (They say it will get easier as time goes on...this is our first placement; other than when Big D left, we haven't yet experienced loss. I'm not sure it will ever get easier, but I will never stop loving with all my heart; I'll never stop parenting.)
So there are the mixed emotions. I'm so JOYFUL for us (and the kids), because they will be with us through Christmas, most likely. AT THE SAME TIME, I feel guilty for being so joyful. My heart aches...not only for the kids, but for their mom and dad and all that they are missing out on, if the kids are experiencing it with me. Should I be so joyful? Am I in the wrong? Do the kids feel joy, too? (Yes, they do.) Should they feel guilty, too? (NEVER...but I know they do.)
Dear Lord, thank you for the opportunity to serve others in this way. Thank you for this calling you have put on our lives. Thank you for the joys we experience daily through this journey. Thank you, too, for the heartaches and the fears, because they give us a chance to lean closer to You and to trust in You a little more. Give us strength, Lord. Help us to do what You have called us to do, in the good times and the bad. Help us to be a safe place to land for "our" babies, Lord. We pray also for their family, Lord...and that's not easy. We pray that you will have Your hand in their life, as they (hopefully) strive to make a better life for their children. Help them to find You and to build a relationship with You, so that they may build a stronger relationship with their kids and be the role models and parents they need to be. We love You, Lord.
Monday, August 25, 2014
The Smallest Act of Caring?
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
~ Leo Buscaglia
Tonight, I was exhausted...mentally, physically, emotionally...completely and totally exhausted. It had been a good day. My students were well-behaved! My desk is organized again! I came home to an installed dishwasher...and a hot supper on the table! When you're a full-time teacher who has recently learned to be a full-time mom AND teacher...you can't have a day much better than that! Still, I was exhausted...partly due to this wonderful "back to school" cold all my students have shared with me...and partly because we have court tomorrow.
Court is a simple foster care review. It's common place. It's not common place for me, though...because I've never had done before tomorrow! Tomorrow, we will go to court and the kids' workers will say, "Yes they're doing well in their current home, and they should remain there." That's that for four more months. The process isn't exactly that simple...there are things that could interfere with that or change it, but you get the point. For me, it's emotionally nerve-wracking and draining! I'm one of those people who hates change and hates the fear of the unknown. I despise it, actually. I'm aware that my God is greater than me...and that it isn't unknown to HIM, but that isn't always enough reassurance. You see...these children, whose current goal is "return to mom," they've stolen my heart. I know you aren't supposed to get attached...but, honestly, I can't help but wonder what kind of a foster parent you are, if you DON'T get attached...no judgment...just an observation. So, even though I KNOW "my kids" will be going home some day...9 times out of 10...I'm not ready for it, and in my heart and head is a fear they MAY say, "These kids are going home tomorrow!" So...despite the simplistic nature of what tomorrow holds, it's been worrying me sick for three weeks now.
I say all that to explain why I'm "exhausted" despite a great day!
Homework had been completed. Little Man had read an entire book to me...and made a 100 on the questions I asked him about the book. Baby Girl had brushed he hair all by herself and only missed one small patch of tangles (is it sad that this made me teary-eyed and slightly melancholy? We've been striving to help them grow up...but soon, she won't NEED me to fix her hair before school. Sigh...) I had chased Dixie down, then taken her for a ride, because Baby Girl slipped the leash off too soon. Lots of fun had been had in the Bloomer household!
Tonight, we were just spent. We told the kids, "Prayers down here; you tuck yourselves into bed." This didn't go over very well Little Man (the older of the two kids) started pouting....but he prayed, and he went upstairs. Well, he went upstairs for about 30 seconds. Then, he was lurking on the stairs, not in his bed.
"What are you doing on the stairs, playing with the cat?" Jeremy asked him.
"I can't sleep!" he whined.
"You can't sleep? You didn't even go all the way upstairs. You haven't tried to sleep!" I laughed.
"I can't sleep if you don't tuck me in, though. I really can't." he pleaded.
"Let me finish what I'm working on down here. You go to bed. I'll come check on you in five minutes. I promise." (I really didn't want to trudge up those stairs, but there's just something about those sweet brown eyes....it's not like he was asking for something bad.)
Seven minutes later, I slowly climbed the stairs. Slowly. I was sure they would both be asleep by then. I was wrong. Little Man still had his LIGHT shining brightly!! He looks at me impishly and says, "You're late."
Laughing, I walk to his bed. "Why are you still awake? Why is your light on still?"
"I was waiting for you! I can't sleep unless you or Jeremy tucks me in anymore." at this, he snuggles deep within the covers, waiting for me to tuck them in around him. I gently kiss his forehead, as he says, "If I go back home to my mom, I'm making her tuck me in every single night, just like you do. I'm going to make her. She may not have done it before, but I sleep better when you tuck me in at night. So, I'm going to make my mom do it, too, if I go back home."
As, I left to tuck Baby Girl in, he whispered, "I love you, Dayna. Good night." He was asleep before I got to the bottom of the stairs.
It's unbelievable. Can that one small act of caring...that touch...that kiss on the forehead...really make such a difference in the life of that little boy? Is he really able to sleep that much better, all because we tucked him into bed? Are our bedtime "touches," our seemingly small, simple acts of caring, turning his life around? Will he remember them when he's gone? Will he carry those memories with him, for a lifetime? When he's grown and has children of his own...will he remember how important those "tuck ins" were to him? Will he pray with his kids and kiss them gently? Will he tickle them and laugh with them just before sleep sneaks in, like we do with him? I choose to believe he will...and that right there, the potential to turn his life around...that is why we do foster care.
~ Leo Buscaglia
Tonight, I was exhausted...mentally, physically, emotionally...completely and totally exhausted. It had been a good day. My students were well-behaved! My desk is organized again! I came home to an installed dishwasher...and a hot supper on the table! When you're a full-time teacher who has recently learned to be a full-time mom AND teacher...you can't have a day much better than that! Still, I was exhausted...partly due to this wonderful "back to school" cold all my students have shared with me...and partly because we have court tomorrow.
Court is a simple foster care review. It's common place. It's not common place for me, though...because I've never had done before tomorrow! Tomorrow, we will go to court and the kids' workers will say, "Yes they're doing well in their current home, and they should remain there." That's that for four more months. The process isn't exactly that simple...there are things that could interfere with that or change it, but you get the point. For me, it's emotionally nerve-wracking and draining! I'm one of those people who hates change and hates the fear of the unknown. I despise it, actually. I'm aware that my God is greater than me...and that it isn't unknown to HIM, but that isn't always enough reassurance. You see...these children, whose current goal is "return to mom," they've stolen my heart. I know you aren't supposed to get attached...but, honestly, I can't help but wonder what kind of a foster parent you are, if you DON'T get attached...no judgment...just an observation. So, even though I KNOW "my kids" will be going home some day...9 times out of 10...I'm not ready for it, and in my heart and head is a fear they MAY say, "These kids are going home tomorrow!" So...despite the simplistic nature of what tomorrow holds, it's been worrying me sick for three weeks now.
I say all that to explain why I'm "exhausted" despite a great day!
Homework had been completed. Little Man had read an entire book to me...and made a 100 on the questions I asked him about the book. Baby Girl had brushed he hair all by herself and only missed one small patch of tangles (is it sad that this made me teary-eyed and slightly melancholy? We've been striving to help them grow up...but soon, she won't NEED me to fix her hair before school. Sigh...) I had chased Dixie down, then taken her for a ride, because Baby Girl slipped the leash off too soon. Lots of fun had been had in the Bloomer household!
Tonight, we were just spent. We told the kids, "Prayers down here; you tuck yourselves into bed." This didn't go over very well Little Man (the older of the two kids) started pouting....but he prayed, and he went upstairs. Well, he went upstairs for about 30 seconds. Then, he was lurking on the stairs, not in his bed.
"What are you doing on the stairs, playing with the cat?" Jeremy asked him.
"I can't sleep!" he whined.
"You can't sleep? You didn't even go all the way upstairs. You haven't tried to sleep!" I laughed.
"I can't sleep if you don't tuck me in, though. I really can't." he pleaded.
"Let me finish what I'm working on down here. You go to bed. I'll come check on you in five minutes. I promise." (I really didn't want to trudge up those stairs, but there's just something about those sweet brown eyes....it's not like he was asking for something bad.)
Seven minutes later, I slowly climbed the stairs. Slowly. I was sure they would both be asleep by then. I was wrong. Little Man still had his LIGHT shining brightly!! He looks at me impishly and says, "You're late."
Laughing, I walk to his bed. "Why are you still awake? Why is your light on still?"
"I was waiting for you! I can't sleep unless you or Jeremy tucks me in anymore." at this, he snuggles deep within the covers, waiting for me to tuck them in around him. I gently kiss his forehead, as he says, "If I go back home to my mom, I'm making her tuck me in every single night, just like you do. I'm going to make her. She may not have done it before, but I sleep better when you tuck me in at night. So, I'm going to make my mom do it, too, if I go back home."
As, I left to tuck Baby Girl in, he whispered, "I love you, Dayna. Good night." He was asleep before I got to the bottom of the stairs.
It's unbelievable. Can that one small act of caring...that touch...that kiss on the forehead...really make such a difference in the life of that little boy? Is he really able to sleep that much better, all because we tucked him into bed? Are our bedtime "touches," our seemingly small, simple acts of caring, turning his life around? Will he remember them when he's gone? Will he carry those memories with him, for a lifetime? When he's grown and has children of his own...will he remember how important those "tuck ins" were to him? Will he pray with his kids and kiss them gently? Will he tickle them and laugh with them just before sleep sneaks in, like we do with him? I choose to believe he will...and that right there, the potential to turn his life around...that is why we do foster care.
"To learn is to change. Education is a process that changes the learner." ~ George B. Leonard
Wow! Becoming an "overnight mom" (as I call my foster care experiences) has changed my experiences as a teacher in so many ways. It is unfathomable to me.
I am ashamed to admit it, but I have always been one of those teachers who said, "My child will NEVER do this." or "I will NEVER make an excuse for my child like that!" First of all, allow me to admit...my children have done so many things I swore my children would never do. Not just in the classroom, but in life in general. They've lied to me. They've thrown a fit in the store. (I have now been known to put a toy or item back on the shelf and take my child to the car, while my husband finishes getting the essentials...or vice versa.) They've screamed in my face. They've told me they hated me and/or my house...a few minutes later, they've come to me, hugging me tightly and asking me if I still love them. (Of course, this answer is ALWAYS...nothing you can do will ever make me stop loving you. I mean this more than I ever thought it would be possible to mean this.) So, parents...I apologize. I now know your children will make you into a liar. I know they will test you, and they will make you carry out your "That's not a threat, it's a promise" punishments. I DO realize, it's sometimes the parent. I wasn't wrong in every situation...but I was wrong at times. I plan to avoid the phrase, "MY child will NEVER..." for the rest of my life! As for the "I will NEVER make an excuse for my child...." I had to email Little Man's teacher last week, because I legitimately kept his homework folder in my possession, forgetting to give it to him...with his completed homework in it. OOPS.
I am a very animated and verbal person. I use lots of exclamation points...lots of capital letters...and lots of underlining...all for emphasis (one of Little Man's vocabulary words this week). I still do this some (as you can see in the paragraph above); however, one day I received a graded paper of Baby Girl's. It had a statement written in all capital letters with three exclamation points. I honestly (after I calmed down) don't believe the teacher meant any harm in this. I think she was just making emphasis to encourage Baby Girl to try harder or let her know what was "needed." Still...the form in which the statement came stung me...briefly...for at least 24 hours. ;-) I'm emotional and overprotective when it comes to "my babies." I know this. If I'm emotional and overprotective with my kiddoes, though...how many times have my exclamation points, capital letters, and underlining wounded a parent (or student??) unintentionally? I will forever be much more cautious about the circumstances surrounding my emphatic language...and the audience reading such emphasis.
Many times, I have heard, "Start the way you mean to go on..." and "Don't wait for the honeymoon period to wear off before you enforce your policies and procedures" and....you get the idea. When we found out we were becoming foster parents for the first time, I received this same bit of advice from my dear friend, Delana. "If you expect them to put their dishes in the sink every night, start that on Day One. If you want their beds made each day, start it from Day One." She said more than this, but that's the general idea...."Start the way you mean to go on...." I have ALWAYS known this in my classroom...I have ALWAYS tried to be good at having this mentality and behavior....I have inevitably always failed at it, as well! This year...boy am I on it! If you're talking when I'm talking...I won't embarrass you, but I will address it. Immediately. If you're disrupting classes on our way to lunch, I will address it. If you're cutting up in the library, and I say, "I'm moving you the next time you talk..." I'm moving you the next time you talk. It's that simple. This has changed the dynamics of my classroom. I still have a warm, loving, welcoming environment. My students still love me...and they know I love them. More than that, the room is calmer. (Don't get me wrong...4th block is still wild and chaotic at times; they are chipper, talkative, hyper kids...and it's the end of the day! When it is time to work, though...they know I'm serious; talking and play stops...and work commences.)
I've never been the teacher who didn't enter grades regularly. I try to enter at least one grade a day...but I enter 3 or 4 a week at the LEAST, even if it's just a participation grade for answering a question in class. Often, we grade papers together so the students get instant feedback. That's just who I am. Still, I know not all teachers are like that. This year, there was a division-wide push that all teachers must enter at least 3 grades per week. I know why! I'm a parent now! I may be slightly compulsive...I check at least once a day, sometimes more...but I want to know what grades my kids have! By the way...Baby Girl has all S's...Little Man has 1 F (in Math...but we are pulling that up...if he will slow down), 1 B and the rest As! Yes...I'm proud of them. I will admit the F stresses me out, but we are talking about two kids who NEVER did homework at home...now we do it every night! It's a learning process for them! They're getting there! It's a learning process for me and Jeremy, as well! We're all getting there together! (For example, homework gets done as soon as we get home. I used to give them "down time." That doesn't work for these kids of ours...that isn't to say kids we have later will be the same; if we have down time, it's pulling teeth to accomplish anything later.)
Plain and simple, I believe I'm a better teacher because of my kids. I have always loved my students and considered them my "kids." Many of them call me "Mom" or consider me a second mom. I believe I love my students even more now, if that was possible. I'm a better teacher for them. I'm a better teacher for the parents...I judge them much less! ;-)
Little Man and Baby Girl (and Big D)...thank you for educating me. Thank you for helping me to change and grow into a better teacher, as I become a better parent each day! I love you more than I will ever be able to put into words. In the 2 months and 9 days you have been in my world (has it really only been that long???)...you have changed me forever. My world will never be the same, and I can't imagine it without you in it. Thank you. I love you.
To my students, I promise to continue to learn, change, and grow WITH you. I promise to continue to do all I need to do to be a better teacher for you, each and every day. I love you!
I am ashamed to admit it, but I have always been one of those teachers who said, "My child will NEVER do this." or "I will NEVER make an excuse for my child like that!" First of all, allow me to admit...my children have done so many things I swore my children would never do. Not just in the classroom, but in life in general. They've lied to me. They've thrown a fit in the store. (I have now been known to put a toy or item back on the shelf and take my child to the car, while my husband finishes getting the essentials...or vice versa.) They've screamed in my face. They've told me they hated me and/or my house...a few minutes later, they've come to me, hugging me tightly and asking me if I still love them. (Of course, this answer is ALWAYS...nothing you can do will ever make me stop loving you. I mean this more than I ever thought it would be possible to mean this.) So, parents...I apologize. I now know your children will make you into a liar. I know they will test you, and they will make you carry out your "That's not a threat, it's a promise" punishments. I DO realize, it's sometimes the parent. I wasn't wrong in every situation...but I was wrong at times. I plan to avoid the phrase, "MY child will NEVER..." for the rest of my life! As for the "I will NEVER make an excuse for my child...." I had to email Little Man's teacher last week, because I legitimately kept his homework folder in my possession, forgetting to give it to him...with his completed homework in it. OOPS.
I am a very animated and verbal person. I use lots of exclamation points...lots of capital letters...and lots of underlining...all for emphasis (one of Little Man's vocabulary words this week). I still do this some (as you can see in the paragraph above); however, one day I received a graded paper of Baby Girl's. It had a statement written in all capital letters with three exclamation points. I honestly (after I calmed down) don't believe the teacher meant any harm in this. I think she was just making emphasis to encourage Baby Girl to try harder or let her know what was "needed." Still...the form in which the statement came stung me...briefly...for at least 24 hours. ;-) I'm emotional and overprotective when it comes to "my babies." I know this. If I'm emotional and overprotective with my kiddoes, though...how many times have my exclamation points, capital letters, and underlining wounded a parent (or student??) unintentionally? I will forever be much more cautious about the circumstances surrounding my emphatic language...and the audience reading such emphasis.
Many times, I have heard, "Start the way you mean to go on..." and "Don't wait for the honeymoon period to wear off before you enforce your policies and procedures" and....you get the idea. When we found out we were becoming foster parents for the first time, I received this same bit of advice from my dear friend, Delana. "If you expect them to put their dishes in the sink every night, start that on Day One. If you want their beds made each day, start it from Day One." She said more than this, but that's the general idea...."Start the way you mean to go on...." I have ALWAYS known this in my classroom...I have ALWAYS tried to be good at having this mentality and behavior....I have inevitably always failed at it, as well! This year...boy am I on it! If you're talking when I'm talking...I won't embarrass you, but I will address it. Immediately. If you're disrupting classes on our way to lunch, I will address it. If you're cutting up in the library, and I say, "I'm moving you the next time you talk..." I'm moving you the next time you talk. It's that simple. This has changed the dynamics of my classroom. I still have a warm, loving, welcoming environment. My students still love me...and they know I love them. More than that, the room is calmer. (Don't get me wrong...4th block is still wild and chaotic at times; they are chipper, talkative, hyper kids...and it's the end of the day! When it is time to work, though...they know I'm serious; talking and play stops...and work commences.)
I've never been the teacher who didn't enter grades regularly. I try to enter at least one grade a day...but I enter 3 or 4 a week at the LEAST, even if it's just a participation grade for answering a question in class. Often, we grade papers together so the students get instant feedback. That's just who I am. Still, I know not all teachers are like that. This year, there was a division-wide push that all teachers must enter at least 3 grades per week. I know why! I'm a parent now! I may be slightly compulsive...I check at least once a day, sometimes more...but I want to know what grades my kids have! By the way...Baby Girl has all S's...Little Man has 1 F (in Math...but we are pulling that up...if he will slow down), 1 B and the rest As! Yes...I'm proud of them. I will admit the F stresses me out, but we are talking about two kids who NEVER did homework at home...now we do it every night! It's a learning process for them! They're getting there! It's a learning process for me and Jeremy, as well! We're all getting there together! (For example, homework gets done as soon as we get home. I used to give them "down time." That doesn't work for these kids of ours...that isn't to say kids we have later will be the same; if we have down time, it's pulling teeth to accomplish anything later.)
Plain and simple, I believe I'm a better teacher because of my kids. I have always loved my students and considered them my "kids." Many of them call me "Mom" or consider me a second mom. I believe I love my students even more now, if that was possible. I'm a better teacher for them. I'm a better teacher for the parents...I judge them much less! ;-)
Little Man and Baby Girl (and Big D)...thank you for educating me. Thank you for helping me to change and grow into a better teacher, as I become a better parent each day! I love you more than I will ever be able to put into words. In the 2 months and 9 days you have been in my world (has it really only been that long???)...you have changed me forever. My world will never be the same, and I can't imagine it without you in it. Thank you. I love you.
To my students, I promise to continue to learn, change, and grow WITH you. I promise to continue to do all I need to do to be a better teacher for you, each and every day. I love you!
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
All Things Are Possible
All Things Are Possible
By: Dayna Bloomer
On a bright sunny day, I’m amazed by a flighty bumble bee!
He flits from one place to the next, then rests on my wisteria.
Looking at that fat, little insect, I see a Bible story!
With God, all things are possible, no matter our hysteria.
You see, the law of physics says that bee shouldn’t be able to fly –
But no one told the bee to listen to the improbable!
The bee only knew he wanted to soar about, high in the sky!
So, it really is true! With God, all things truly are possible!
There are times in life, when I find myself questioning it all!
I just can’t believe anyone could understand how I feel;
Where can I turn for comfort? Is there any one I can call?
Matthew 9:16 reminds me, witgs are possible!
Life seems so confusing; there are days when nothing makes sense to me.
Yet, I know the omniscient and omnipresent God continues to reign.
I have come to realize, if it’s God’s will, through it all, it will be…
With God, all things are possible -- through the ups, downs, joys, and pain!
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