Months ago, when we began the foster care process, my younger sister walked through it with me. She talked to me often about the process, what we were going through, our emotions, etc. She was very excited to be a foster-aunt. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she would love my foster children with all that she had. She has plenty of love to give. Immediately, she did love my children. She showed them love and care when she was around them. She mailed them cards to tell them she was thinking of them, and she told each of them one positive quality she admired in them. She's an amazing aunt.
Recently, though, we had a brief conversation. Then, my sister came across my blog on Facebook...and that prompted a bigger, more honest, in-depth conversation...where she told me these mixed emotions and concerns she had been having...where she expressed her own fears about being a "foster aunt." You see, it bothered her a little that she saw me calling myself a "mom" without putting the word foster in front of it. This bothered her for several reasons. Am I a mother? What makes a mother? I didn't birth these children, and they're only in my life temporarily (at this time). Am I trying to take the place of these kids' mother? My sister has always been the one who can empathize with people who are hurting, or have chosen destructive paths in life. She doesn't want to see them continually hurt. She also didn't want to see ME hurt, by calling myself a MOM...forgetting it was "temporary." Would I get too attached? What would happen to me, when "my children" were taken away from me? (I am certainly not using her exact words here, and she didn't say all of this explicitly...some of it, I inferred/perceived based on other conversations I've had with people and other comments I have heard) EDIT: I feel I should clarify one thing that I didn't write well...Toni did not call me to criticize me, when we had the second conversation...the one I wrote about. She called to apologize and to be honest with me that something had been bothering her, because her heart hurt for the mom, too. Then, she had read my blog...about my mixed emotions and my feelings that my gain means someone else's loss. She realized I had some of the same questions and mixed emotions. Toni DOES consider herself an aunt to my children, she does love them....she never questioned if I was a mom exactly....she questioned if I should, on Facebook or anywhere, being leaving off the word foster in front....if it hurt my kids or me or other people. I wrote the post, because I know some people say, "Oh you're just a foster mom" or "you're not a real mom." They DO mean it negatively. Toni meant it from a protective standpoint, and she wanted an open, honest conversation to help her understand. She wanted to break the silence, and she wanted to know more. I should also add, she had to be brave to do that, because I haven't always been known for being level-headed and rational about things I'm passionate about. (Right, Toni?!) A few years ago, I would have bitten her head off!
So, I addressed these in a healthy manner with my sister. Now, allow me to address them to all my readers who may have questions....or to other foster parents, who may wonder....or who may have family who wonders.
Am I a mom? I address this question, as Baby Girl is lying on my arm, snuggling me....do you know how hard it is to type, when a child is lying on your dominate arm? Ha ha! I address this question, as Little Man runs past me to the bathroom and says "Give me a hug! I love you so much!" Do those events necessarily make me a "mom?" Not in an instance by themselves, no. But, yes...they are part of what makes me a mom.
I am a mom. I wake up early in the mornings. I rush through my shower to allow the children to sleep just a little longer, so I can then get them up and focus on them, as much as possible. I pick out clothes. I fix hair. I cook meals. I assist with homework. I hold these kids while they cry. I get them to school on time. I help with homework....sometimes, homework is painstakingly difficult. I struggle not to cry, when I watch them struggling...because, as my seven year-old said, "No one ever cared enough to help me with homework before. They were always too busy fighting." (Hearing a seven year-old saying this, so brutally honest...hurts.) I plan birthday parties. I comfort after nightmares. I laugh with the children. I cry with the children. I've taught them proper hygiene and how to bathe. I call their teachers. I take them to the doctor. I sit up with them at night, when they can't sleep. I tuck them in every night and say their prayers with them. I listen, non-judgmentally, as they share with me the good and bad memories of life, "when we were with our mom." (I admit...that's sometimes the hardest part)
Yes...I'm a mom.
There's a quote that says, "It's not the word before parent that defines...bio, adoptive, foster, step...but rather the love and dedication in the parent's heart..."
The love and dedication in my heart is immense. It is a fierce. It is real.
Understand this, though....it is NOT a desire to take the place of the mom or dad of any child placed in my home...especially a child who is in foster care, not an adoptive placement. My desire is to be a good role model, a good "fill-in" for these kids, who I consider partly my own, while their parents are unable to be there. My goal is to provide them with love, stability, security, and peace while they are with me. I tell the children often, "I'm not trying to take your mommy's place. I'm just trying to help you live a good, quality life until your mommy is able to give you the same life. I will never take her place." My children understand that...yet, they sometimes introduce me as "my mom." Sometimes, they introduce me as "My Daynee" or "Miss Dayna" or "my foster mom." They call me whatever they are comfortable with at that time...and I'm okay with that. I want them to be comfortable. I want them to feel safe. We pray together for their mommy, and I will continue to do that....
But, yes, I will continue to call myself a mom; because I am. I may only be a mom in their life temporarily...but I hope and pray my influence will be worthwhile...and remembered, when they do go back home and as they grow up...that they will remember some of the things they have learned while here.
I hope this will help to answer a few questions people may have. Many children are in foster care and need a second "mom" or "dad" to fill in for a while...or for what may lead to an eternity. If you are interested in becoming a foster parent...or finding out more about being a foster parent...please let me know!
If you are becoming a foster-aunt, foster-grandparent, foster-church family member....and you have concerns about it...or about getting attached...let me give you the best advice I can. Give up the belief that you won't get attached. Let your guard down. Open your heart. Wear it on your sleeve. These kids need love...genuine, heart-felt, no-holds-barred LOVE. You can help them give it...right beside their foster parents! Will your heart break when they leave? Without a doubt. But, you're investing in their future...and you could very much be turning a life around. I promise, the ache you feel when they leave will be worth knowing you helped transform a life.
Awesome
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