"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy..." Psalm 126: 5

Today has been a rough day. I have sown many tears. This bothers me, at times. It's just been one of those days. I went to bed on the wrong side of the bed....I woke up on the wrong side of the bed....the car wouldn't start, so J had to take the van....I took the battery charger off the car battery and "shocked" myself...NONE of this was a BIG DEAL, when you really think about it...it was all a comedy of errors. Bad days happen...they're really not worth rehashing that much. Overall, I'm alive, I'm healthy, I have a roof over my head, food in my cabinets...life IS good. So, why do I find myself drawn to focusing on the negative? I'm working hard on NOT doing that.

So...what actually caused my tears today? Today, we took a new step in our foster care journey. Today, I found out that not only would we be starting visitation with Baby Girl and Little Man's mom...but we would be starting phone calls, too.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I will tell you....I was overcome with anger and sadness and fear...and a million other emotions, all wrapped up into one. Please, don't get me wrong...it's not that I don't know what foster care is. It's not that I didn't realize all of this would begin to take place soon. It wasn't even that I hadn't been preparing for it...I had. Unless you're in the situation...I don't believe you can fully understand the emotions, though. I felt angry...yes. I felt sadness....yes. I felt fear...yes. I kept thinking, "These are my babies! We share them now. I've had them for 113 days!" and "Why do you get to march back in and take over like nothing every happened?" (Though that's quite irrational, because that's not what was happening) and "What if she breaks their heart? What if she  makes them cry?" and "What will our world be like after this phone call? Will we have daily meltdowns? Will they be angry? Will they lash out at me?" Again...so many emotions.

So, tonight, we called. I wasn't prepared for the million OTHER emotions I felt! I watched Baby Girl light up talking to her mom. Don't get me wrong...she lights up with us. We have wonderful moments. This was a different "lighting up," thought. It was a hole I couldn't quite fill or reach. A hole I  may never be able to reach...and one I may never need to. I saw Baby Girl cry, and hurt, because everything she's been missing was right there. I heard a mother's voice fill with tears the moment she heard her little girl's voice. I heard her choke back those tears and ask a million questions. Then, I heard a mother no longer able to hold her tears back when she heard her son's voice.

I held my Baby Girl while she sobbed talking to her mom. I stepped in and had her tell Momma a joke, so they could both break the tears. Momma "tickled" Baby Girl through the phone, while I held her in my lap, actually tickling her...so that Momma wouldn't have her tears as her last memory of the phone call.

Why did I do those things? Because...it's part of a foster mother's job. "Our" Baby Girl needed to know she was okay...she needed to know she would see Momma soon...and she needed to know D-Mom wasn't going anywhere. It felt right. It was necessary. It was what was needed at the time.

As the phone call was ending, Little Man said "Bye" from across the room. His Momma thought it was me. She said, "Bye. Thank you." She started crying. "Thank you. Please take care of my babies for me." The tears came. I said, "You're welcome, and of course I will." I didn't try to explain to her that they're my babies, too. They are, though. They have my heart. I'm dreading the day they will go home. I know that my heart will break into a million pieces. But, you know what? I heard the gratitude in their Momma's voice, as they told her all the things they'd experienced and done. I heard her laugh when Baby Girl would accidentally call her "Dayna," or "Daynee," or "D-Mom!" I didn't hear anger or resentment or jealousy. She sounded truly sorrowful for the time she has missed, but truly grateful for what we're doing for her kids. Maybe I'm just an optimist....

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know when Baby Girl and Little Man will leave our home. But, I know they matter. I know they matter to me. I could hear the love in their mother's voice. Sometimes, love isn't enough, but I believe she will try....and while I hurt for me...I pray for her. I pray that God's best be brought about into the lives of these children. I pray that their Momma, Lord willing, will be able to give them a good home, filled with love and warmth....I just pray for their Momma. That she would experience God's love and grace....and, for however long it lasts, I thank her and God, for the opportunity to be D-Mom to my sweet babies. I will forever be grateful.

Between now and then...I will take one day at a time, and I will thank God that he knows my tears, and that He is bringing me joy....

Now, I must go upstairs with my husband and tuck our babies into bed for the 113th time...and steal a few more hugs and kisses with them.

Let Me Hold You...

Click here to listen to Karen Kingsbury read her story, Let Me Hold You Longer...

This week has been full of early mornings,  long days, and late nights.  Tonight,  I told my "babies" to tuck themselves into bed.  I was so tired...but more than that,  I'm in this phase of trying to protect my heart.  It's selfish, I know.

You see, in the next days and weeks, our journey is about to change.  Our sweet babies will probably begin visitation soon; they will begin preparing to return home.  I'm not prepared.  My heart isn't ready.  Unless you've ever tucked a special child into bed,  you don't know how intimate that is.  That's the time I connect most with my little ones.  There's always one more story they have to share,  one more whispered prayer, one more hug  or kiss,  one more "I love you...." It is a special time.  And so,  selfish as it is,  I'm trying to block it out....to prepare my heart.  The only problem is,  it's not working.  I always end up there, anyway. 

Tonight, it was LATE....well past bedtime. So,  I said "Brush your teeth and get your pj's on.  You're tucking yourselves in  tonight." Little Man did his usual pouting.  I followed him into the kitchen...I picked him up in my arms....this isn't as easy as it used to be...he's gained at least 15 pounds since he came to  live here! I swung him through the air,  I snuggled him, then I sat him down on the sink and rocked him in my arms,  singing to him.  Just being silly. God convicted my heart,  as I prayed there with my son.  Tears rolled down my cheeks.  I prayed I could hold him a little longer.  He sensed it....he held me tighter and whispered "I love you."

My babies didn't tuck themselves in  tonight. I crawled  (yes, literally crawled....I told you I'm exhausted) up those stairs tonight!  I snuggled my sweet boy and girl, and I tucked them snugly into  bed.   

Why? Because....I don't know how many more chances I have to tuck them into bed.  I don't know when or journey will end.  I'm heart sick thinking about it.  It's not supposed to hurt like this! It does, though....and it will.  For now, we hold them a little longer....we love them a little more....and we trust God to take care of them now and always.  For now,  we relish in the growth we have seen....we celebrate every step forward, and even the ones back...and we hold onto each moment, writing the stories in our minds and hearts. 

Karen's story doesn't fully match ours....we didn't have them since birth...but the sentiment is the same. We've still had many firsts, and lasts, with them...and I want to cherish each one! 

Dear Lord, let me hold them a little longer...