Am I a Mom?

**Disclaimer: The purpose of this post is to answer questions other people may have...not to criticize my sister or anyone else. I'm not upset with her. I understand the mixed emotions she's been having as well, and I admire her for saying to me, "I have mixed emotions about this..." Do NOT judge her...I know there are a million other people out there who have the same questions she had. I want to address those questions from my point of view, to see if I can spread awareness.**

       Months ago, when we began the foster care process, my younger sister walked through it with me. She talked to me often about the process, what we were going through, our emotions, etc. She was very excited to be a foster-aunt. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she would love my foster children with all that she had. She has plenty of love to give. Immediately, she did love my children. She showed them love and care when she was around them. She mailed them cards to tell them she was thinking of them, and she told each of them one positive quality she admired in them. She's an amazing aunt.

       Recently, though, we had a brief conversation. Then, my sister came across my blog on Facebook...and that prompted a bigger, more honest, in-depth conversation...where she told me these mixed emotions and concerns she had been having...where she expressed her own fears about being a "foster aunt." You see, it bothered her a little that she saw me calling myself a "mom" without putting the word foster in front of it. This bothered her for several reasons. Am I a mother? What makes a mother? I didn't birth these children, and they're only in my life temporarily (at this time). Am I trying to take the place of these kids' mother? My sister has always been the one who can empathize with people who are hurting, or have chosen destructive paths in life. She doesn't want to see them continually hurt. She also didn't want to see ME hurt, by calling myself a MOM...forgetting it was "temporary." Would I get too attached? What would happen to me, when "my children" were taken away from me?  (I am certainly not using her exact words here, and she didn't say all of this explicitly...some of it, I inferred/perceived based on other conversations I've had with people and other comments I have heard)  EDIT: I feel I should clarify one thing that I didn't write well...Toni did not call me to criticize me, when we had the second conversation...the one I wrote about. She called to apologize and to be honest with me that something had been bothering her, because her heart hurt for the mom, too. Then, she had read my blog...about my mixed emotions and my feelings that my gain means someone else's loss. She realized I had some of the same questions and mixed emotions. Toni DOES consider herself an aunt to my children, she does love them....she never questioned if I was a mom exactly....she questioned if I should, on Facebook or anywhere, being leaving off the word foster in front....if it hurt my kids or me or other people. I wrote the post, because I know some people say, "Oh you're just a foster mom" or "you're not a real mom." They DO mean it negatively. Toni meant it from a protective standpoint, and she wanted an open, honest conversation to help her understand. She wanted to break the silence, and she wanted to know more. I should also add, she had to be brave to do that, because I haven't always been known for being level-headed and rational about things I'm passionate about. (Right, Toni?!) A few years ago, I would have bitten her head off!

       So, I addressed these in a healthy manner with my sister. Now, allow me to address them to all my readers who may have questions....or to other foster parents, who may wonder....or who may have family who wonders.

       Am I a mom? I address this question, as Baby Girl is lying on my arm, snuggling me....do you know how hard it is to type, when a child is lying on your dominate arm? Ha ha! I address this question, as Little Man runs past me to the bathroom and says "Give me a hug! I love you so much!" Do those events necessarily make me a "mom?" Not in an instance by themselves, no. But, yes...they are part of what makes me a mom.

      I am a mom. I wake up early in the mornings. I rush through my shower to allow the children to sleep just a little longer, so I can then get them up and focus on them, as much as possible. I pick out clothes. I fix hair. I cook meals. I assist with homework. I hold these kids while they cry. I get them to school on time. I help with homework....sometimes, homework is painstakingly difficult. I struggle not to cry, when I watch them struggling...because, as my seven year-old said, "No one ever cared enough to help me with homework before. They were always too busy fighting." (Hearing a seven year-old saying this, so brutally honest...hurts.) I plan birthday parties. I comfort after nightmares. I laugh with the children. I cry with the children. I've taught them proper hygiene and how to bathe. I call their teachers. I take them to the doctor. I sit up with them at night, when they can't sleep. I tuck them in every night and say their prayers with them. I listen, non-judgmentally, as they share with me the good and bad memories of life, "when we were with our mom." (I admit...that's sometimes the hardest part)

Yes...I'm a mom.

There's a quote that says, "It's not the word before parent that defines...bio, adoptive, foster, step...but rather the love and dedication in the parent's heart..."

The love and dedication in my heart is immense. It is a fierce. It is real.

Understand this, though....it is NOT a desire to take the place of the mom or dad of any child placed in my home...especially a child who is in foster care, not an adoptive placement. My desire is to be a good role model, a good "fill-in" for these kids, who I consider partly my own, while their parents are unable to be there. My goal is to provide them with love, stability, security, and peace while they are with me. I tell the children often, "I'm not trying to take your mommy's place. I'm just trying to help you live a good, quality life until your mommy is able to give you the same life. I will never take her place." My children understand that...yet, they sometimes introduce me as "my mom." Sometimes, they introduce me as "My Daynee" or "Miss Dayna" or "my foster mom." They call me whatever they are comfortable with at that time...and I'm okay with that. I want them to be comfortable. I want them to feel safe. We pray together for their mommy, and I will continue to do that....

But, yes, I will continue to call myself a mom; because I am. I may only be a mom in their life temporarily...but I hope and pray my influence will be worthwhile...and remembered, when they do go back home and as they grow up...that they will remember some of the things they have learned while here.

I hope this will help to answer a few questions people may have. Many children are in foster care and need a second "mom" or "dad" to fill in for a while...or for what may lead to an eternity. If you are interested in becoming a foster parent...or finding out more about being a foster parent...please let me know!

If you are becoming a foster-aunt, foster-grandparent, foster-church family member....and you have concerns about it...or about getting attached...let me give you the best advice I can. Give up the belief that you won't get attached. Let your guard down. Open your heart. Wear it on your sleeve. These kids need love...genuine, heart-felt, no-holds-barred LOVE. You can help them give it...right beside their foster parents! Will your heart break when they leave? Without a doubt. But,  you're investing in their future...and you could very much be turning a life around. I promise, the ache you feel when they leave will be worth knowing you helped transform a life.

The many mixed emotions of a foster parent....

     I recently read a quote by Erma Bombeck that said, "It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding." While it may not make sense to you...though I will try to explain it...this quote seems to epitomize how I am feeling tonight.

      As I mentioned last night, we had court today. I was so sick with dread going to court. I knew that, most likely, the children would stay in our home. However, I also knew it wasn't guaranteed. Today, court went well...for us. We found out that, barring any unlikely and unforeseen circumstances, Baby Girl and Little Man will be with us at least until Christmas. We will get to celebrate Little Man's birthday. We will get to give them a Christmas they will never forget. We will get to hold them in our laps and read them the Christmas Story. They will be able to participate in the church Christmas play! There are so many experiences they will be able to have! I'm OVERJOYED by this. Partly because I am so excited for them to be able to have such wonderful experiences. Partly because I'm not ready to let "my babies" go yet. I can't imagine my life without them. They have transformed my life.

     And that right there...that's the clincher. That's where the quote comes into play. The selfish, madly in love, protective part of me wants to be judgmental...."She doesn't deserve them" or "WHY would they want to go back there"...those are the kinds of thoughts that occasionally sneak into my thinking. (Rest assured, I NEVER say those words to my kids, and I rarely verbalize them to anyone.) But then, there's that compassion and understanding that sneaks in....it's their parents. No matter how many times they may have been wronged...no  matter how little affection they may have ever experienced...it's blood, and it's family. There's a bond there, usually, that can't be explained or taken away. They (and most all foster children, I am sure) are fiercely loyal to their family. I understand that. It makes sense. I get it! (Of course, I was also fiercely loyal to a biological father who was seldom there....I get it more than some might) I "get it," but I still experience a sense of jealousy or hurt at times....I'm giving them this good, happy, solid life...something they've probably never had...and there is a part of them that wants to leave it! I UNDERSTAND....I have the compassion. My heart aches for them...they are away from the one person who is supposed to love them unconditionally and protect them. At the same time, my heart aches for me, because they would walk away from all this today, if they could. It doesn't mean they don't love me...they do! They tell me that at least 25 times a day, from sun up to sun down. Still, my job is to provide them a better home, a better life....UNTIL their parents are able to provide them with the same quality of life.  I know this, so it shouldn't hurt like it does. (They say it will get easier as time goes on...this is our first placement; other than when Big D left, we haven't yet experienced loss. I'm not sure it will ever get easier, but I will never stop loving with all my heart; I'll never stop parenting.)

       So there are the mixed emotions. I'm so JOYFUL for us (and the  kids), because they will be with us through Christmas, most likely. AT THE SAME TIME, I feel guilty for being so joyful. My heart aches...not only for the kids, but for their mom and dad and all that they are missing out on, if the kids are experiencing it with me. Should I be so joyful? Am I in the wrong? Do the kids feel joy, too? (Yes, they do.) Should they feel guilty, too? (NEVER...but I know they do.)

      Dear Lord, thank you for the opportunity to serve others in this way. Thank you for this calling you have put on our lives. Thank you for the joys we experience daily through this journey. Thank you, too, for the heartaches and the fears, because they give us a chance to lean closer to You and to trust in You a little more. Give us strength, Lord. Help us to do what You have called us to do, in the good times and the bad. Help us to be a safe place to land for "our" babies, Lord. We pray also for their family, Lord...and that's not easy. We pray that you will have Your hand in their life, as they (hopefully) strive to make a better life for their children. Help them to find You and to build a relationship with You, so that they may build a stronger relationship with their kids and be the role models and parents they need to be. We love You, Lord.

The Smallest Act of Caring?

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”  
~ Leo Buscaglia

     Tonight, I was exhausted...mentally, physically, emotionally...completely and totally exhausted. It had been a good day. My students were well-behaved! My desk is organized again! I came home to an installed dishwasher...and a hot supper on the table! When you're a full-time teacher who has recently learned to be a full-time mom AND teacher...you can't have a day much better than that! Still, I was exhausted...partly due to this wonderful "back to school" cold all my students have shared with me...and partly because we have court tomorrow.

      Court is a simple foster care review. It's common place. It's not common place for me, though...because I've never had done before tomorrow! Tomorrow, we will go to court and the kids' workers will say, "Yes they're doing well in their current home, and they should remain there." That's that for four more months. The process isn't exactly that simple...there are things that could interfere with that or change it, but you get the point. For me, it's emotionally nerve-wracking and draining! I'm one of those people who hates change and hates the fear of the unknown. I despise it, actually. I'm aware that my God is greater than me...and that it isn't unknown to HIM, but that isn't always enough reassurance. You see...these children, whose current goal is "return to mom," they've stolen my heart. I know you aren't supposed to get attached...but, honestly, I can't help but wonder what kind of a foster parent you are, if you DON'T get attached...no judgment...just an observation. So, even though I KNOW "my kids" will be going home some day...9 times out of 10...I'm not ready for it, and in my heart and head is a fear they MAY say, "These kids are going home tomorrow!" So...despite the simplistic nature of what tomorrow holds, it's been worrying me sick for three weeks now.

      I say all that to explain why I'm "exhausted" despite a great day!

      Homework had been completed. Little Man had read an entire book to me...and made a 100 on the questions I asked him about the book. Baby Girl had brushed he hair all by herself and only missed one small patch of tangles (is it sad that this made me teary-eyed and slightly melancholy? We've been striving to help them grow up...but soon, she won't NEED me to fix her hair before school. Sigh...) I had chased Dixie down, then taken her for a ride, because Baby Girl slipped the leash off too soon. Lots of fun had been had in the Bloomer household!

      Tonight, we were just spent. We told the kids, "Prayers down here; you tuck yourselves into bed." This didn't go over very well Little Man (the older of the two kids) started pouting....but he prayed, and he went upstairs. Well, he went upstairs for about 30 seconds. Then, he was lurking on the stairs, not in his bed.

      "What are you doing on the stairs, playing with the cat?" Jeremy asked him.

      "I can't sleep!" he whined.

      "You can't sleep? You didn't even go all the way upstairs. You haven't tried to sleep!" I laughed.

       "I can't sleep if you don't tuck me in, though. I really can't." he pleaded.

       "Let me finish what I'm working on down here. You go to bed. I'll come check on you in five minutes. I promise." (I really didn't want to trudge up those stairs, but there's just something about those sweet brown eyes....it's not like he was asking for something bad.)

        Seven minutes later, I slowly climbed the stairs. Slowly. I was sure they would both be asleep by then. I was wrong. Little Man still had his LIGHT shining brightly!! He looks at me impishly and says, "You're late."

         Laughing, I walk to his bed. "Why are you still awake? Why is your light on still?"

         "I was waiting for you! I can't sleep unless you or Jeremy tucks me in anymore." at this, he snuggles deep within the covers, waiting for me to tuck them in around him. I gently kiss his forehead, as he says, "If I go back home to  my mom, I'm making her tuck me in every single night, just like you do. I'm going to make her. She  may not have done it before, but I sleep better when you tuck me in at night. So, I'm going to make my mom do it, too, if I go back home."

         As, I left to tuck Baby Girl in, he whispered, "I love you, Dayna. Good night." He was asleep before I got to the bottom of the stairs.

        It's unbelievable. Can that one small act of caring...that touch...that kiss on the forehead...really make such a difference in the life of that little boy? Is he really able to sleep that much better, all because we tucked him into bed? Are our bedtime "touches," our seemingly small, simple acts of caring, turning his life around? Will he remember them when he's gone? Will he carry those memories with him, for a lifetime? When he's grown and has children of his own...will he remember how important those "tuck ins" were to him? Will he pray with his kids and kiss them gently? Will he tickle them and laugh with them just before sleep sneaks in, like we do with him? I choose to believe he will...and that right there, the potential to turn his life around...that is why we do foster care.

 

 

"To learn is to change. Education is a process that changes the learner." ~ George B. Leonard

     Wow! Becoming an "overnight mom" (as I call my foster care experiences) has changed my experiences as a teacher in so many ways. It is unfathomable to me.

     I am ashamed to admit it, but I have always been one of those teachers who said, "My child will NEVER do this." or "I will NEVER make an excuse for my child like that!" First of all, allow me to admit...my children have done so many things I swore my children would never do. Not just in the classroom, but in life in general. They've lied to me. They've thrown a fit in the store. (I have now been known to put a toy or item back on the shelf and take my child to the car, while my husband finishes getting the essentials...or vice versa.) They've screamed in my face. They've told me they  hated me and/or my house...a few minutes later, they've come to me, hugging me tightly and asking me if I still love them. (Of course, this answer is ALWAYS...nothing you can do will ever make me stop loving you. I mean this  more than I ever thought it would be possible to mean this.) So, parents...I apologize. I now know your children will make you into a liar. I know they will test you, and they will make you carry out your "That's not a threat, it's a promise" punishments. I DO realize, it's sometimes the parent. I wasn't wrong in every situation...but I was wrong at times. I plan to avoid the phrase, "MY child will NEVER..." for the rest of my life! As for the "I will NEVER make an excuse for my child...." I had to email Little Man's teacher last week, because I legitimately kept his homework folder in my possession, forgetting to give it to him...with his completed homework in it. OOPS.

     I am a very animated and verbal person. I use lots of exclamation points...lots of capital letters...and lots of underlining...all for emphasis (one of Little Man's vocabulary words this week). I still do this some (as you can see in the paragraph above); however, one day I received a graded paper of Baby Girl's. It had a statement written in all capital letters with three exclamation points. I honestly (after I calmed down) don't believe the teacher meant any harm in this. I think she was just making emphasis to encourage Baby Girl to try harder or let her know what was "needed." Still...the form in which the statement came stung me...briefly...for at least 24 hours. ;-) I'm emotional and overprotective when it comes to "my babies." I know this. If I'm emotional and overprotective with my kiddoes, though...how many times have my exclamation points, capital letters, and underlining wounded a parent (or student??) unintentionally? I will forever be much more cautious about the circumstances surrounding my emphatic language...and the audience reading such emphasis.

     Many times, I have heard, "Start the way you mean to go on..." and "Don't wait for the honeymoon period to wear off before you enforce your policies and procedures" and....you get the idea. When we found out we were becoming foster parents for the first time, I received this same bit of advice from my dear friend, Delana. "If you expect them to put their dishes in the sink every night, start that on Day One. If you want their beds made each day, start it from Day One." She said more than this, but that's the general idea...."Start the way you mean to go on...." I have ALWAYS known this in  my classroom...I have ALWAYS tried to be good at having this mentality and behavior....I have inevitably always failed at it, as well!  This year...boy am I on it! If you're talking when I'm talking...I won't embarrass you, but I will address it. Immediately. If you're disrupting classes on our way to lunch, I will address it. If you're cutting up in the library, and I say, "I'm moving you the next time you talk..." I'm moving you the next time you talk. It's that simple. This has changed the dynamics of my classroom. I still have a warm, loving, welcoming environment. My students still love me...and they know I love them. More than that, the room is calmer. (Don't get me wrong...4th block is still wild and chaotic at times; they are chipper, talkative, hyper kids...and it's the end of the day! When it is time to work, though...they know I'm serious; talking and play stops...and work commences.)

    I've never been the teacher who didn't enter grades regularly. I try to enter at least one grade a day...but I enter 3 or 4 a week at the LEAST, even if it's just a participation grade for answering a question in class. Often, we grade papers together so the students get instant feedback. That's just who I am. Still, I know not all teachers are like that. This year, there was a division-wide push that all teachers must enter at least 3 grades per week. I know why! I'm a parent now! I  may be slightly compulsive...I check at least once a day, sometimes more...but I want to know what grades my kids have! By the way...Baby Girl has all S's...Little Man has 1 F (in Math...but we are pulling that up...if he will slow down), 1 B and the rest As! Yes...I'm proud of them. I will admit the F stresses me out, but we are talking about two kids who NEVER did homework at home...now we do it every night! It's a learning process for them! They're getting there! It's a learning process for me and Jeremy, as well! We're all getting there together! (For example, homework gets done as soon as we get home. I used to give them "down time." That doesn't work for these kids of ours...that isn't to say kids we have later will be the same; if we have down time, it's pulling teeth to accomplish anything later.)

     Plain and simple, I believe I'm a better teacher because of my kids. I have always loved my students and considered them my "kids." Many of them call me "Mom" or consider me a second mom. I believe I love my students even more now, if that was possible. I'm a better teacher for them. I'm a better teacher for the parents...I judge them much less! ;-)

     Little Man and Baby Girl (and Big D)...thank you for educating me. Thank you for helping me to change and grow into a better teacher, as I become a better parent each day! I love you more than I will ever be able to put into words. In the 2 months and 9 days you have been in my world (has it really only been that long???)...you have changed me forever. My world will never be the same, and I can't imagine it without you in it. Thank you. I love you.

     To my students, I promise to continue to learn, change, and grow WITH  you. I promise to continue to do all I need to do to be a better teacher for you, each and every day. I love you!