I recently read a quote by Erma Bombeck that said, "It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding." While it may not make sense to you...though I will try to explain it...this quote seems to epitomize how I am feeling tonight.
As I mentioned last night, we had court today. I was so sick with dread going to court. I knew that, most likely, the children would stay in our home. However, I also knew it wasn't guaranteed. Today, court went well...for us. We found out that, barring any unlikely and unforeseen circumstances, Baby Girl and Little Man will be with us at least until Christmas. We will get to celebrate Little Man's birthday. We will get to give them a Christmas they will never forget. We will get to hold them in our laps and read them the Christmas Story. They will be able to participate in the church Christmas play! There are so many experiences they will be able to have! I'm OVERJOYED by this. Partly because I am so excited for them to be able to have such wonderful experiences. Partly because I'm not ready to let "my babies" go yet. I can't imagine my life without them. They have transformed my life.
And that right there...that's the clincher. That's where the quote comes into play. The selfish, madly in love, protective part of me wants to be judgmental...."She doesn't deserve them" or "WHY would they want to go back there"...those are the kinds of thoughts that occasionally sneak into my thinking. (Rest assured, I NEVER say those words to my kids, and I rarely verbalize them to anyone.) But then, there's that compassion and understanding that sneaks in....it's their parents. No matter how many times they may have been wronged...no matter how little affection they may have ever experienced...it's blood, and it's family. There's a bond there, usually, that can't be explained or taken away. They (and most all foster children, I am sure) are fiercely loyal to their family. I understand that. It makes sense. I get it! (Of course, I was also fiercely loyal to a biological father who was seldom there....I get it more than some might) I "get it," but I still experience a sense of jealousy or hurt at times....I'm giving them this good, happy, solid life...something they've probably never had...and there is a part of them that wants to leave it! I UNDERSTAND....I have the compassion. My heart aches for them...they are away from the one person who is supposed to love them unconditionally and protect them. At the same time, my heart aches for me, because they would walk away from all this today, if they could. It doesn't mean they don't love me...they do! They tell me that at least 25 times a day, from sun up to sun down. Still, my job is to provide them a better home, a better life....UNTIL their parents are able to provide them with the same quality of life. I know this, so it shouldn't hurt like it does. (They say it will get easier as time goes on...this is our first placement; other than when Big D left, we haven't yet experienced loss. I'm not sure it will ever get easier, but I will never stop loving with all my heart; I'll never stop parenting.)
So there are the mixed emotions. I'm so JOYFUL for us (and the kids), because they will be with us through Christmas, most likely. AT THE SAME TIME, I feel guilty for being so joyful. My heart aches...not only for the kids, but for their mom and dad and all that they are missing out on, if the kids are experiencing it with me. Should I be so joyful? Am I in the wrong? Do the kids feel joy, too? (Yes, they do.) Should they feel guilty, too? (NEVER...but I know they do.)
Dear Lord, thank you for the opportunity to serve others in this way. Thank you for this calling you have put on our lives. Thank you for the joys we experience daily through this journey. Thank you, too, for the heartaches and the fears, because they give us a chance to lean closer to You and to trust in You a little more. Give us strength, Lord. Help us to do what You have called us to do, in the good times and the bad. Help us to be a safe place to land for "our" babies, Lord. We pray also for their family, Lord...and that's not easy. We pray that you will have Your hand in their life, as they (hopefully) strive to make a better life for their children. Help them to find You and to build a relationship with You, so that they may build a stronger relationship with their kids and be the role models and parents they need to be. We love You, Lord.
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