Lately, my mind has been filled with so many mixed emotions. I have so many hopes and dreams. I have so many fears and failures.
I love my two foster children, who have now been with me for just over 16 months, with all of my heart. I don’t think anyone would question my love for them. It’s evident when I talk about them. It’s evident when I hold them or tell a story about them. However, I will never forget my 11 year-old son (who was 10 at the time) saying to me, “Sometimes, love isn’t enough.”
This phrase has stuck in my head and heart for 12 months now. Little Man was talking about his biological mother when he said those words to me, because they hadn’t been able to have a visit with her that they anticipated. Even though he has never directed those words toward me...I have. I often wonder…Am I giving them enough? Am I enough? Do I fuss too much? Do I fuss enough? Do I praise them often enough? Do I praise them too much? Do I have too high expectations? Are my expectations too low? Am I benefiting them, or am I traumatizing them more?
My heart’s desire is to be a good parent. Not a good parent by worldly standards, but a good parent by God’s standards. I often find myself praying and seeking God’s help to ensure I am a successful parent. I’m not proud. I’m not afraid to admit I’m far from perfect. I’m not afraid to admit I don’t have it all together. I’m also not afraid to seek help or accept help in improving. Lately, I’ve been struggling more with the question of “Am I good enough?” and “How can I be a better parent, to ensure these kids have a successful present and future (I can’t undo their past)?” I haven’t voiced these thoughts or fears to many people at all. However, today, a very good friend forwarded me an email. In the email they said, “This is not a judgment, but maybe it is a help.” as I pulled up the article and read it, I was shocked that it was so relevant to the thoughts and emotions I've been struggling with. Then again, why was I shocked, when I know that God knows our heart and our minds. He knows just what we need when we need it.
I'm including a link to the article here.
I just wanted to share some of my thoughts from the article. In the manner of full disclosure, allow me to admit that when I first read the article, I thought, “Ok. I've got this pretty much together, but I wish my husband would read such and such.” oops! Don't get me wrong, my husband and I have a good relationship. Over the last few months, we have grown to a place where we are better able to accept constructive criticism and advice or input from the other one in regards to parenting. I truly believe we have become an excellent team. Again, this doesn't mean either of us has it all together or that we don't have room for improvement. For that one moment though, it seemed easier to look at him in the areas he might need to improve than me. Ok, now that I've been honest... I went back and read the article again, this time focusing on what it might have to say to me. The two that stick out very clearly in my mind as areas I could improve on, are number one and number four.
Let's start with area number one. I give my children a lot of time. I help them with their homework, I read with them, they cook meals with me… a lot of that time is uninterrupted and undistracted. So, when I first read the article, I in no way, shape or form related myself to this area. Later, a thought pricked my heart and mind. Yes, the specific examples that James Dobson lists are reading a newspaper or watching the football games. No, I don't do these things when I'm supposed to be focused on my kids. Do you want to know what I am guilty of? I'm guilty of being too attached to my phone. I'm a facebook addict. I want to talk to my friends via facebook Messenger or text messaging in the evening. I am constantly perusing Facebook to see what my friends and family are up to. Sometimes, I guess I'm afraid if I don't update every 10 minutes, their posts won't be there for me to see later. What a stupid thought or mentality! Facebook will be there every evening. Facebook will be there the next morning. If I miss a text message for a couple of hours, my friends and family will still be there. If they really need to talk to me, they will call. My children won't always be there. As they grow older, they will not want to help me cook dinner. They won't want to have help with homework. They won't ask me to take them to the park or to watch The Voice with them. Are those extra moments on Facebook really worth the moments I miss with my children? Those moments aren't fully focus on them, if I'm constantly checking Facebook. Last night, I took a super awesome video of my kids. Maybe one day I'll share it on here. However, I was so busy and excited to share that video with others, and so frustrated that it wasn't working, that I looked away from Baby Girl's basketball practice on several occasions. I took lots of pictures of her first basketball practice last night. I even took a short video. However, she only made two shots last night. Both shots that she made, I was distracted by my phone. The first two shots she had ever made, and I missed them. Baby Girl will get over this quickly. She's very forgiving and doesn't question my love. However, I'm pretty scarred by that moment and the realization that I allowed my phone to cause me to miss it. That moment, combined with a THIRD reading of the article brought that clarity to me. From this day forward, I plan to be much less “married” to my phone and Facebook. If you message or call and I don't respond, please do not take offense. I have children who need me. They need QUALITY time with me as opposed to QUANTITY. They need a mom who is fully attentive when she's with them. I'll get back to you before school, before bed or on my planning period. I promise.
Then, we have number four. I'm not the quickest to express grace...or patience. Okay...I do this a lot UNLESS I'm in a situation where I feel embarrassed, judged or let down. I laughed and cringed simultaneously while reading Dr. Dobson story about his children in the church balcony. Those moments are the story of my life. It never fails. At church, out to eat, at the store...the moment I brag on them or start a story or give advice...they make a liar out of me. Reading Dr. Dobson article, I realized...they aren't trying to make a liar out of me. They're children. Kids will be kids. I must learn to let them be kids...discuss why the behavior was wrong...forgive them and move forward. I have to not take it as a personal attack...and if others want to judge me, that's between them and God. I don't answer to them. I answer to God.
Lord, help me to be gracious and patient with the children you have blessed me with. Help me to focus on them and to be a shining light. Help me to find a healthy balance in my parenting. Help me to not beat myself up but also to not become haughty and think I have it all together. Amen!
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