Thoughts from a jumbled mine (Life lessons from James Dobson)

Lately, my mind has been filled with so many mixed emotions. I have so many hopes and dreams. I have so many fears and failures.

I love my two foster children, who have now been with me for just over 16 months, with all of my heart. I don’t think anyone would question my love for them. It’s evident when I talk about them. It’s evident when I hold them or tell a story about them. However, I will never forget my 11 year-old son (who was 10 at the time) saying to me, “Sometimes, love isn’t enough.”

This phrase has stuck in my head and heart for 12 months now. Little Man was talking about his biological mother when he said those words to me, because they hadn’t been able to have a visit with her that they anticipated. Even though he has never directed those words toward me...I have. I often wonder…Am I giving them enough? Am I enough? Do I fuss too much? Do I fuss enough? Do I praise them often enough? Do I praise them too much? Do I have too high expectations? Are my expectations too low? Am I benefiting them, or am I traumatizing them more?

My heart’s desire is to be a good parent. Not a good parent by worldly standards, but a good parent by God’s standards. I often find myself praying and seeking God’s help to ensure I am a successful parent. I’m not proud. I’m not afraid to admit I’m far from perfect. I’m not afraid to admit I don’t have it all together. I’m also not afraid to seek help or accept help in improving. Lately, I’ve been struggling more with the question of “Am I good enough?” and “How can I be a better parent, to ensure these kids have a successful present and future (I can’t undo their past)?” I  haven’t voiced these thoughts or fears to many people at all. However, today, a very good friend forwarded me an email. In the email they said, “This is not a judgment, but maybe it is a help.” as I pulled up the article and read it, I was shocked that it was so relevant to the thoughts and emotions I've been struggling with. Then again, why was I shocked, when I know that God knows our heart and our minds.  He knows just what we need when we need it.

I'm including a link to the article here.

To read his article, click here…

I just wanted to share some of my thoughts from the article. In the manner of full disclosure, allow me to admit that when I first read the article, I thought, “Ok. I've got this pretty much together, but I wish my husband would read such and such.” oops! Don't get me wrong, my husband and I have a good relationship. Over the last few months, we have grown to a place where we are better able to accept constructive criticism and advice or input from the other one in regards to parenting. I truly believe we have become an excellent team. Again, this doesn't mean either of us has it all together or that we don't have room for improvement. For that one moment though, it seemed easier to look at him in the areas he might need to improve than me.  Ok, now that I've been honest... I went back and read the article again, this time focusing on what it might have to say to me. The two that stick out very clearly in my mind as areas I could improve on, are number one and number four.

Let's start with area number one. I give my children a lot of time. I help them with their homework, I read with them, they cook meals with me… a lot of that time is uninterrupted and undistracted. So, when I first read the article, I in no way, shape or form related myself to this area. Later, a thought pricked  my heart and mind.  Yes, the specific examples that James Dobson lists are reading a newspaper or watching the football games. No, I don't do these things when I'm supposed to be focused on my kids. Do you want to know what I am guilty of? I'm guilty of being too attached to my phone. I'm a facebook addict. I want to talk to my friends via facebook Messenger or text messaging in the evening. I am constantly perusing Facebook to see what my friends and family are up to. Sometimes, I guess I'm afraid if I don't update every 10 minutes, their posts won't be there for me to see later.  What a stupid thought or mentality! Facebook will be there every evening. Facebook will be there the next morning. If I miss a text message for a couple of hours, my friends and family will still be there. If they really need to talk to me, they will call. My children won't always be there. As they grow older, they will not want to help me cook dinner. They won't want to have help with homework. They won't ask me to take them to the park or to watch The Voice with them. Are those extra moments on Facebook really worth the moments I miss with my children? Those moments aren't fully focus on them, if I'm constantly checking Facebook. Last night, I took a super awesome video of my kids. Maybe one day I'll share it on here. However, I was so busy and excited to share that video with others, and so frustrated that it wasn't working, that I looked away from Baby Girl's basketball practice on several occasions. I took lots of pictures of her first basketball practice last night. I even took a short video. However, she only made two shots last night. Both shots that she made, I was distracted by my phone. The first two shots she had ever made, and I missed them. Baby Girl will get over this quickly. She's very forgiving and doesn't question my love. However, I'm pretty scarred by that moment and the realization that I allowed my phone to cause me to miss it. That moment, combined with a THIRD reading of the article brought that clarity to me. From this day forward, I plan to be much less “married” to my phone and Facebook. If you message or call and I don't respond, please do not take offense. I have children who need me. They need QUALITY time with me as opposed to QUANTITY. They need a mom who is fully attentive when she's with them. I'll get back to you before school, before bed or on my planning period. I promise.

Then, we have number four. I'm not the quickest to express grace...or patience. Okay...I do this a lot UNLESS I'm in a situation where I feel embarrassed, judged or let down.  I laughed and cringed simultaneously while reading Dr. Dobson story about his children in the church balcony. Those moments are the story of my life. It never fails. At church, out to eat, at the store...the moment I brag on them or start a story or give advice...they make a liar out of me. Reading Dr. Dobson article, I realized...they aren't trying to make a liar out of me. They're children. Kids will be kids. I must learn to let them be kids...discuss why the behavior was wrong...forgive them and move forward.  I have to not take it as a personal attack...and if others want to judge me, that's between them and God. I don't answer to them. I answer to God.

Lord, help me to be gracious and patient with the children you have blessed me with. Help me to focus on them and to be a shining light. Help me to find a healthy balance in my parenting. Help me to not beat myself up but also to not become haughty and think I have it all together.  Amen!

To the Mother of my Foster Children on Mother's Day

Dear Mother of my Foster Children,

It's Mother's Day weekend, and I can only imagine the thoughts you have or the emotions you may be feeling. I've never been in your position. Even still, I wanted to tell you a few things.

First, Thank You. Thank you for birthing these beautiful children. Without you, they wouldn't be in my life. Being their foster mother is the greatest blessing I have ever received. I know how that must sound to you, but I truly mean it. All my life, all I've ever wanted to be is a mom. Ever since I was in high school, I've wanted to be a foster or adoptive parent.  I've wanted to provide love and safety to children in a time when they needed it the most.

Second, we talk about you. You aren't forgotten, even if it may feel like it at times. You will always be a part of the children's memories and their hearts...no matter what the future holds. We encourage them to remember the good moments, rather than dwelling on the negative or scary ones, even though they need to "release" those emotions at times. (I hope that if the future means they return home to you, you will also allow them to talk of us and remember the good memories we shared.)

Third, we pray for you. We pray that you feel the love of God on a daily basis. We pray you see the good around you. We pray for peace. We pray you know your children are happy and well cared for right now. We pray that you would seek your comfort from God.

None of us knows what the future holds. I can't tell you where any of us will be in six weeks, six months, or a year. I do know Who holds the future, and I trust Him to take care of all of us.

The Double-Edged Joy/Heartache of Foster Care

For several months now, Baby Girl has called us "Mommy and Daddy." We have become accustomed to this, and it was rather expected, as she is younger than Little Man...and desperately needs the love of her Mommy and Daddy...whether biological or current.

Little Man, however, has only called us Dayna and Jeremy, though he would occasionally call me "Mom" if he emailed me from school.  Monday, I was sick with a high fever and just felt miserable.  Little Man, for whatever reason chose that day to start calling me "Mommy" and Jeremy "Daddy." It's so strange to hear it out of his mouth. I honestly never thought I would...and I was honestly okay with that.

The next day, we had a visit with their mom, and it was Little Man's birthday.  I figured he would go back to calling me Dayna very quickly, and that would be okay, too. All I want is to be a GOOD, PURE, WHOLESOME mother figure to these kids God has placed in our lives. I want them to know safety and love in my arms and in my home (don't get me wrong...J and I have screwed it up plenty of times; we've argued in front of them; we've raises our voices at them...we've been too harsh over the "little" things, and we've probably overlooked some of the "big" things. We're a work in progress, though, and we keep plugging away.) As long as they have the safety and love,  I don't care what they call me.

I was wrong. He's never gone back.  I'm Mommy all the time now. Jeremy is Daddy all the time now.  I must admit, it's harder to say no sometimes, when is little voice and caramel brown eyes are pleading "Mommyyyyyyyy" instead of "Dayyyynnnnnaaaa."

This morning, I made pancakes, eggs, and sausage for brunch. As we sat down to the table with our food, the kids raised their glasses of applease juice and said, "A toast! To the best Mommy in the entire world!" It took me a minute to realize...they were toasting ME...really and truly, AND THEY MEANT IT. I choked back tears, as I ate my food and watched my children laugh and joke and eat. I watched my son eat a pancake, one of his least favorite foods , just because..."I know it makes you happy when I eat everything, Mommy, even if it's just a small bite of something." I watched my daughter beg for thirds, because she loves pancakes and what would it hurt to eat Bubby's extra one? Eating my food...and bragging on it...is just one of the ways they try to show me how much they love me.  It sounds so simple, but it means more than you can imagine to see their eyes light up as they compliment whatever meal I've made.

This is that double-edged sword.  I've mentioned it before, but today it is piercing extra hard. I love my children. I can't remember life before them, and I can't imagine life without them. My heart swells with pride, and melts in the same moment, when they call me "Mommy," or when I see them reach for "Daddy." My most honored moment was when they toasted the "best Mommy in the entire world!" I will never forget that.  However, every moment I cherish...every moment they honor me...that's a moment someone else is missing out on. I can't imagine being her.  I don't want to replace her for my children, and we often talk of their other Mommy. We pray for her, and we ask God for what's best in their life.  So, the double-edged joy and heartache is that for each moment my heart swells with pride, it is also racked by guilt, because I feel I'm taking something away from their other mother. I realize I'm not...and I realize God has called us to this journey, but the same BIG HEART that enables me to do what others say they could "never do," is the same big heart that causes me to feel guilty for doing it and doing it well...

Bittersweet Moments in the Making....

Tonight, Jeremy, the kids, and I decorated OUR Christmas tree. After the tree was decorated, we cuddled up together on the couch. We watched in silence, as the tree slowly rotated and Christmas music played in the background. I honestly don't believe there's been a more peaceful moment in our house since the kids joined us on June 16th. However, as I Sat with a kid cuddled up to each side of me, tears began to roll down my face. I couldn't help it. You see, these moments and memories that we are making are bittersweet.  This is our first Christmas together. Yesterday, was our first Thanksgiving together. Baby girl says it's the best Thanksgiving she's ever had. She said she always hated Thanksgiving. Our firsts....may very well be our lasts. Each moment we have with our babies is a gift from God, and one we may never have again.... I challenge you to slow down this holiday season. I challenge you to cherish each moment with the ones God has gifted to you. I challenge you to focus on making memories. I challenge you to recognize the blessings you have.

Thank you, God, for this calling you have placed on our lives. We don't get it right every day... but we are striving  to get it more and more right every moment. Give us the strength to seek Your will and to treasure each moment.  Help us to hold them in our hearts for the days when they are only memories. Amen.

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy..." Psalm 126: 5

Today has been a rough day. I have sown many tears. This bothers me, at times. It's just been one of those days. I went to bed on the wrong side of the bed....I woke up on the wrong side of the bed....the car wouldn't start, so J had to take the van....I took the battery charger off the car battery and "shocked" myself...NONE of this was a BIG DEAL, when you really think about it...it was all a comedy of errors. Bad days happen...they're really not worth rehashing that much. Overall, I'm alive, I'm healthy, I have a roof over my head, food in my cabinets...life IS good. So, why do I find myself drawn to focusing on the negative? I'm working hard on NOT doing that.

So...what actually caused my tears today? Today, we took a new step in our foster care journey. Today, I found out that not only would we be starting visitation with Baby Girl and Little Man's mom...but we would be starting phone calls, too.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I will tell you....I was overcome with anger and sadness and fear...and a million other emotions, all wrapped up into one. Please, don't get me wrong...it's not that I don't know what foster care is. It's not that I didn't realize all of this would begin to take place soon. It wasn't even that I hadn't been preparing for it...I had. Unless you're in the situation...I don't believe you can fully understand the emotions, though. I felt angry...yes. I felt sadness....yes. I felt fear...yes. I kept thinking, "These are my babies! We share them now. I've had them for 113 days!" and "Why do you get to march back in and take over like nothing every happened?" (Though that's quite irrational, because that's not what was happening) and "What if she breaks their heart? What if she  makes them cry?" and "What will our world be like after this phone call? Will we have daily meltdowns? Will they be angry? Will they lash out at me?" Again...so many emotions.

So, tonight, we called. I wasn't prepared for the million OTHER emotions I felt! I watched Baby Girl light up talking to her mom. Don't get me wrong...she lights up with us. We have wonderful moments. This was a different "lighting up," thought. It was a hole I couldn't quite fill or reach. A hole I  may never be able to reach...and one I may never need to. I saw Baby Girl cry, and hurt, because everything she's been missing was right there. I heard a mother's voice fill with tears the moment she heard her little girl's voice. I heard her choke back those tears and ask a million questions. Then, I heard a mother no longer able to hold her tears back when she heard her son's voice.

I held my Baby Girl while she sobbed talking to her mom. I stepped in and had her tell Momma a joke, so they could both break the tears. Momma "tickled" Baby Girl through the phone, while I held her in my lap, actually tickling her...so that Momma wouldn't have her tears as her last memory of the phone call.

Why did I do those things? Because...it's part of a foster mother's job. "Our" Baby Girl needed to know she was okay...she needed to know she would see Momma soon...and she needed to know D-Mom wasn't going anywhere. It felt right. It was necessary. It was what was needed at the time.

As the phone call was ending, Little Man said "Bye" from across the room. His Momma thought it was me. She said, "Bye. Thank you." She started crying. "Thank you. Please take care of my babies for me." The tears came. I said, "You're welcome, and of course I will." I didn't try to explain to her that they're my babies, too. They are, though. They have my heart. I'm dreading the day they will go home. I know that my heart will break into a million pieces. But, you know what? I heard the gratitude in their Momma's voice, as they told her all the things they'd experienced and done. I heard her laugh when Baby Girl would accidentally call her "Dayna," or "Daynee," or "D-Mom!" I didn't hear anger or resentment or jealousy. She sounded truly sorrowful for the time she has missed, but truly grateful for what we're doing for her kids. Maybe I'm just an optimist....

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know when Baby Girl and Little Man will leave our home. But, I know they matter. I know they matter to me. I could hear the love in their mother's voice. Sometimes, love isn't enough, but I believe she will try....and while I hurt for me...I pray for her. I pray that God's best be brought about into the lives of these children. I pray that their Momma, Lord willing, will be able to give them a good home, filled with love and warmth....I just pray for their Momma. That she would experience God's love and grace....and, for however long it lasts, I thank her and God, for the opportunity to be D-Mom to my sweet babies. I will forever be grateful.

Between now and then...I will take one day at a time, and I will thank God that he knows my tears, and that He is bringing me joy....

Now, I must go upstairs with my husband and tuck our babies into bed for the 113th time...and steal a few more hugs and kisses with them.

Let Me Hold You...

Click here to listen to Karen Kingsbury read her story, Let Me Hold You Longer...

This week has been full of early mornings,  long days, and late nights.  Tonight,  I told my "babies" to tuck themselves into bed.  I was so tired...but more than that,  I'm in this phase of trying to protect my heart.  It's selfish, I know.

You see, in the next days and weeks, our journey is about to change.  Our sweet babies will probably begin visitation soon; they will begin preparing to return home.  I'm not prepared.  My heart isn't ready.  Unless you've ever tucked a special child into bed,  you don't know how intimate that is.  That's the time I connect most with my little ones.  There's always one more story they have to share,  one more whispered prayer, one more hug  or kiss,  one more "I love you...." It is a special time.  And so,  selfish as it is,  I'm trying to block it out....to prepare my heart.  The only problem is,  it's not working.  I always end up there, anyway. 

Tonight, it was LATE....well past bedtime. So,  I said "Brush your teeth and get your pj's on.  You're tucking yourselves in  tonight." Little Man did his usual pouting.  I followed him into the kitchen...I picked him up in my arms....this isn't as easy as it used to be...he's gained at least 15 pounds since he came to  live here! I swung him through the air,  I snuggled him, then I sat him down on the sink and rocked him in my arms,  singing to him.  Just being silly. God convicted my heart,  as I prayed there with my son.  Tears rolled down my cheeks.  I prayed I could hold him a little longer.  He sensed it....he held me tighter and whispered "I love you."

My babies didn't tuck themselves in  tonight. I crawled  (yes, literally crawled....I told you I'm exhausted) up those stairs tonight!  I snuggled my sweet boy and girl, and I tucked them snugly into  bed.   

Why? Because....I don't know how many more chances I have to tuck them into bed.  I don't know when or journey will end.  I'm heart sick thinking about it.  It's not supposed to hurt like this! It does, though....and it will.  For now, we hold them a little longer....we love them a little more....and we trust God to take care of them now and always.  For now,  we relish in the growth we have seen....we celebrate every step forward, and even the ones back...and we hold onto each moment, writing the stories in our minds and hearts. 

Karen's story doesn't fully match ours....we didn't have them since birth...but the sentiment is the same. We've still had many firsts, and lasts, with them...and I want to cherish each one! 

Dear Lord, let me hold them a little longer...

What do others see?

Last week,  I received one of the greatest compliments I have ever received.  If not THE GREATEST.

I was speaking with a friend. She's dear to me. God placed her in mine and my husband's life when we were dating.  She moved away,  but thanks to Facebook, we were able to stay in touch.  Recently,  we found ourselves on a similar journey....foster care. This has drawn us even closer to one another. We've experienced many similar struggles and joys, while also supporting each other through different trials and triumphs.  She is a blessing to my life. 

Through all of our experiences, one thing hasn't changed.  Who I am. I'm just me. This 33 year-old girl who has this unshakable faith in this amazing God.  I talk about my  God every day. (I never realized how much until two of my former students said to me this year, "We are here to get our daily dose of preaching,  Mrs. B!  You're always talking to your friends about God.") God is a huge part of who I am. I will never stop singing His praises. I'm not always successful,  but I do try to look for His good and His purpose, even when times are difficult. 

Apparently,  I've been more successful than I ever imagined. My dear friend has been through some trials in her life.  She's been hurt.  She's been mistreated and let down. Through it all, though,  she's continued to live.

I knew my friend didn't have a church home, but I honestly didn't know where she stood with God and her beliefs.  I just kept telling her all the ways God was working in my life. I giggled at some of the things I saw God doing in hers....doesn't He have an awesome sense of humor?! I loved pointing them out to her. I prayed for her. Daily. I made sure she knew I was praying.  We talked about similar experiences we had been through...and I talked about how my faith carried me through.  Specifically,  I remember talking to her about forgiveness I had extended to someone who, by the world's standards,  doesn't deserve forgiveness. We talked about how I pray for this person and hope for good things for them. I remember telling her how God did the same for me. Again...this was just me being me. I had no ulterior motives.  I was sharing part of me with a friend I love...who understands me.

So, last week, we were talking about another situation.  I expressed that I knew God had a bigger and better plan. That His timing was better than mine could ever be. (How hard is this to hold on to at times,  though?!?!?)  The following are a few excerpts from my friend's response:

"Things in my life are happening to make me question my very core of existence.  There has to be a hand guiding me.  I have you and so many other people who base their lives on faith....."

"There has to be a reason that there are so many people in my life now with such a strong faith system.  I'm listening and learning and starting to believe there could be a great love out there for me..."

"You teach in ways you'll never know..."

I seriously lost it, there and then. I sobbed.  I wasn't trying to be a witness to her,  though I did want her to know God loves her and to see His love. I was truly just being me. I also realize she doesn't give me all the credit....of course,  I give God the credit, anyway.  He IS guiding her life. He is blessing her. She is seeing Him now, because her eyes have been opened.  (Perhaps because she is showing the same type of love the Gospel preaches by doing foster care? Perhaps through our conversations?  Perhaps through the stories her girls bring home from church/VBS? I'm sure many reasons combine....) I PRAY for my dear friend even more so now. I pray God ministers to her spirit daily. I pray she sees more of Him in her daily life. I pray she will come to know Him as a loving Father and best friend. You can never be too old for that.

Our conversation was a blessing,  though.  It was the first time someone told me an impact I'd had on their life like that. (Aside from my students) It encouraged and uplifted me. It also made me think.

One of my favorite scriptures is Matthew 5:14-16.  

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."

Let your light shine...

Is your light shining? What do others see? Do they see God?  Do they witness unconditional love? Do they see a shining light in a dark world? Or do they see negativity?  Do they see a hypocrite? What do they see?

We really are teaching,  even when we don't realize it. We may be the only Bible people ever see. Are they seeing the truth?  Are they seeing a reason to believe?

I have been encouraged by my friend and by her words. I pray others also see. Christ in me and learn from me...just as I continue to love others!

Friend...I love you. Forever. I will continue to lift you in prayer.  Keep seeking and listening.  You are amazing....God and His faithfulness is even more amazing!